


Saving Regulus Black

by toyhto



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Drama, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Romance, meeting as strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-10-28 19:55:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10838292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toyhto/pseuds/toyhto
Summary: A story in which Remus Lupin meets a dark handsome stranger and they go for a road trip to rescue one little brother who’s probably into something very bad.





	1. Chapter 1

_Shit_ , he thought and took a step back but it was already too late.  
  
This hadn’t been meant to happen. Actually it had been so improbable that anything like this should happen that he hadn’t even considered the possibility of it, which probably had been a part of why it had happened in the first place. And the other reason had been, he thought with a grim certainty, the boy who was now standing in front of him, watching him with a sincerely surprised look and hair that looked like somebody had just pushed their fingers into it.  
  
“What’re you doing?”  
  
“What’re _you_ doing?” he asked and realised right away it had been a poor choice.  
  
The boy cocked an eyebrow at him. “I’m doing _nothing._ You on the other hand were –“  
  
“Shut up,” he said and bit at his lip, because he really didn’t want to be rude, it was just that they were standing on the side of the street and someone might walk by and see them or hear them and besides, he didn’t want to have this conversation anyway. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I just –“  
  
“Sorry?” the boy asked and there was something new in his voice, like he had been disappointed. _Great_ , Remus thought, like he hadn’t been feeling like crap already. “I don’t want you to be _sorry._ I want you to –“  
  
“I can’t do this,” he said which at least was true, and then he turned around and walked away.  
  
When he got back inside he was happy to find out that the room was full of unfamiliar faces. He sat down onto the chair by the corner and placed a palm onto his mouth. Then he realised it was probably something he might have done if he had just grabbed a stranger by his collar and kissed him and then panicked about it and backed away And fucking hell how he was still panicking. He had kind of forgotten the feeling was so intense.  
  
The whole evening he had been smiling at the boy. He had kept doing it because he had been slightly drunk, and he had been slightly drunk because he had tried to hit on Marlene and he couldn’t do that sober. And the boy had kept smiling back at him, always by the distance, and he had had this weird tingling feeling under his skin as he had tried to gather courage to ask Marlene whether she might come to visit him in Easter Holiday. That would have made Mom happy for _years_ and besides, he had always liked Marlene who was sharp but also kind and who always looked at Remus like she knew. This year he had often sat with her in the students’ cafeteria. He hoped she either thought they were dating or knew what Remus was doing.  
  
But that was why he had kept smiling at the boy in the bar like he didn’t know any better. Even after three or four beers he had still been thinking that perhaps Marlene actually liked him and he was being cruel even if that was not what he wanted at all, he just had to… he couldn’t… and the smile of a stranger through the crowd had made him feel better. And weirdly also very lonely. But that was not something he could think about now. He took a few deep breaths and then stood up. He would go back to his flat and drink a cup of tea and hopefully his flatmate would stay away until morning and he could feel sorry for himself in peace.  
  
“Hi,” someone said.  
  
He blinked. The boy was standing in front of him. His black hair looked still messy like he hadn’t touched it after Remus had pulled his fingers away, and even in the dim light of the bar his mouth looked red like it had been kissed lately. Remus’ stomach clenched into a tight knot and he thought _shit shit shit_ -  
  
“Where’re you going?”  
  
“Home,” he said and cleared his throat. “I’m… sorry.”  
  
“You have to let me come with you,” the stranger said.  
  
Remus opened his mouth and then closed it and then opened it again. “ _What?_ ”  
  
“I’ve lost my keys,” the stranger said, “and the last time I tried to climb through the window I broke my leg.”  
  
“You broke your –“, Remus began and then realised he was kind of saying the wrong thing here. “You can’t come with me.”  
  
“Why not? You kissed me earlier.”  
  
“I didn’t – or I did, but I didn’t mean it and –“  
  
The boy looked slightly annoyed at him. He shouldn’t have felt as disappointed as he did.  
  
“I mean,” he said, “it was a mistake. I shouldn’t have. I’ll just go now.”  
  
“Fine,” the boy said, “I’ll follow you.”  
  
“You certainly aren’t going to follow me,” Remus said and began walking with hasty and perhaps not quite steady steps.  
  
“I certainly am,” the boy said, adjusting his steps to match Remus’. “Where do you live?”  
  
“Not very far,” he said and then bit at his lip.  
  
“Great,” the boy said. “So. My name is Sirius.”  
  
“Your name is –“  
  
“Sirius Black. I know it’s a bit ridiculous. You’ll get used to it.”  
  
Remus very much didn’t dare to think about how that would happen. There were so many reasons why he wasn’t going to spend time with someone like Sirius Black and all of them came down to the fact that his heart was beating far too fast.  
  
“I’m Remus,” he said against his better knowledge, “Remus Lupin.”  
  
“Shit, man,” said Sirius Black. “You’ve got it even worse.”  
  
“I know. But you really can’t –“  
  
“It’s fine,” Sirius said, “I get it. I won’t try to hit on you or anything. I’ll sleep on your couch or your carpet or whatever. And in the morning we’ll drink coffee and then I’ll go.”  
  
“I don’t really have a couch.”  
  
“Carpet then. Fine. I’ve had worse.”  
  
“You can’t –,” Remus began but Sirius was staring at him with a slow smile that clearly said _but I can_ and also he couldn’t help remembering how Sirius’ mouth had tasted. “I can’t,” he said instead, more accurate, _great_. He could do this. He totally could.  
  
“You can’t what?”  
  
“I –“  
  
“Ten minutes ago,” Sirius said when Remus had given up trying and shut his mouth again, “you literally grabbed me by my coat and kissed me and now you can’t even tell me what it is that you’re so –“  
  
“Well,” he said, “yeah. I’m sorry.” They had already passed one and a half blocks and actually they were almost running even though he didn’t know why.  
  
“I wanted you to,” Sirius said, and Remus put up the collar of his coat because it seemed Sirius was trying to eye him carefully, “and you knew I wanted you to, that’s why you did it in the first place. And I’m glad you did because obviously I was trying to flirt with you the whole evening.”  
  
“Sirius –“  
  
“Too bad. I rather liked that kiss. Obviously it was quite sudden but what can you do, I know I look marvellous smoking in small alleys at night. So I know you couldn’t help yourself and, like, warn me before you pulled me in.”  
  
“I really –“  
  
“ _Fine._ I get it. You don’t want to talk about it, and I’m too tired and drunk to bear you telling me why you don’t. Just let me sleep on your carpet.”  
  
“You won’t like it.”  
  
Sirius laughed out. “You’re a very weird person.”  
  
“I’m –“  
  
“Don’t you dare to say you’re sorry,” Sirius said. “You’re now officially banned from saying you’re sorry until tomorrow morning when you’ve already kicked me out. Then you can very well be sorry. _So._ Aren’t we there yet?”  
  
“ _Really?_ ”  
  
“I thought you said you live somewhere near. By the way, I think I should tell you that I don’t usually do this, like, I don’t usually lose my keys and follow someone home. This is not a regular thing. You should feel special.”  
  
_Oh my God,_ Remus thought and tried to walk a bit faster. He managed only slightly to avoid falling onto his nose. Sirius frowned at him but kept walking, and even though he stared he couldn’t see Sirius getting out of breath _at all_ even though he himself already wished he could have opened the top buttons of his shirt. Of course he couldn’t. Not that it would have meant anything if he had. Because it wouldn’t have. That hadn’t even crossed his mind.  
  
“I have to tell you,” Sirius said, “I go out a lot and it usually involves dancing so my lungs are in excellent shape. You could just slow down a little because you aren’t going to get rid of me by walking fast.”  
  
“You dance?”  
  
“Can’t you see it from the way I walk?”  
  
“Not really.”  
  
“Thank God,” Sirius said, watching him, “I’m a very weird dancer and I wouldn’t like it to creep into my walking. Are you living with someone?”  
  
“Yeah,” he said and then realised Sirius was staring at him with a concerned look. “I have a flatmate. I don’t know him.”  
  
“Oh,” Sirius said, “good.”  
  
“Good?”  
  
“Well, no, I just meant that… good that you don’t have… you know.”  
  
He blinked a few times. “I really kind of have a girlfriend.”  
  
Sirius glared at him and then shook his head. “No, you don’t.”  
  
“Yes, I do. Her name is Marlene.”  
  
“ _Marlene_ , _”_ Sirius said and narrowed his eyes. “Just stop talking unless you want me to tell your imaginary girlfriend how I was just trying to get some fresh air and quietly minding my own business when you stopped right in front of my face and grabbed me by –“  
  
“Fine,” he said and swallowed, “but she exists.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“I mean it.”  
  
“I really locked myself out of my flat,” Sirius said, “and I’ve been flirting with you for the whole evening and now you keep talking about this girl you just came up with and I can’t even leave because I don’t have my keys, so let’s just say this night isn’t going too well for me. Maybe we could just, you know, sulk in silence.”  
  
“Fine,” Remus said. Three more minutes and they’d be there. He didn’t have an idea what he would do then but perhaps he would figure that out. If he managed to do something else than start panicking again and lock himself into the bathroom, he would consider it a success.  
  
“Fine,” Sirius said. “But I’ve seen you in the class.”  
  
“I thought we were supposed to –“  
  
“But I’m not sure which one. I think you’re one of those people whose face kind of gets stuck with you and still you can’t make sense of where you’ve met them. So, what are you majoring in?”  
  
“Physics.”  
  
“ _Oh._ How _practical._ ”  
  
“I really like space.”  
  
“Like, your own personal –“  
  
“That too,” he said, “but also, you know, _space._ Stars. Black holes. And how you can feel so impossibly tiny because of it all that you know you could disappear and the universe wouldn’t mind.”  
  
“That’s incredibly depressing.”  
  
“No, it’s not,” he said. “We’re here.”  
  
“What? _Oh._ We’re –“  
  
“This is my place,” Remus said and turned the key in the lock. His hand trembled slightly but it was only because he never actually invited anyone in and not because of what he had done in the alley. He pushed the door open and Sirius walked straight pass him to the dark messy room he called living room only slightly ironically. He turned the lights on and Sirius sat down onto the chair that Remus had got from her mother who had got it from someone at work who had probably got it from the recycling centre. The chair creaked loudly. Sirius looked barely worried.  
  
“I like your place,” Sirius said.  
  
“I don’t.”  
  
“Well, that’s why I was surprised about Physics,” Sirius said, “you sound so gloomy. And don’t look at me with those sulking eyes, I would have guessed you’d be into poems. And I realise your flatmate has a poor taste in furniture and that your cupboards are kind of falling down. I was just trying to be polite.”  
  
For some reason Remus realised he was smiling. He bit back the smile and reminded himself that he was drunk and couldn’t be trusted with anything, the least a very good-looking guy sitting on a wobbly chair. “I should really go to sleep.”  
  
“Fine,” Sirius said and looked at him so thoroughly that he had to turn away. “ _So._ ”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You’re really going to make me sleep on the carpet.”  
  
“ _Sirius_ ,” he said and took a deep breath, “I think Marlene –“  
  
“Marlene wouldn’t mind,” Sirius said, watching Remus over the back of the chair, “and please introduce me to this Marlene one day, I’d like to meet her and talk to her and –“  
  
“Okay,” Remus said and swallowed. He was quite certain Marlene would like Sirius and also Marlene would immediately see through Remus, because there was no way he could fake it if Sirius was present, “I’m going to go to sleep now.”  
  
“I’m going to use your toilet.”  
  
“Go ahead.”  
  
“I’m also going to eat something from the fridge.”  
  
“I wouldn’t touch milk, it’s been there for a month or so.”  
  
“You’re like a sad person trying to hide a happy person underneath who then is trying to hide a sad person underneath.”  
  
“That makes no sense,” Remus said. “Good night.”  
  
Sirius said nothing. Remus went to his room and closed the door and locked it and then immediately regretted it because wasn’t that a bit too dramatic gesture. After five minutes he had to unlock it anyway because he really needed to pee. Sirius was going through the fridge and when he walked to the toilet, Sirius glared at him with a clear disapproval. He told himself he couldn’t know whether it was because he hadn’t invited Sirius to sleep in his bed – which was unimaginable by the way and he was very much not thinking about it right now – or whether Sirius disapproved of him because there was nothing edible in the fridge.  
  
Of course he couldn’t fall asleep. He thought he was completely sober now and it felt devastating because all he could think about was how stupid he had been and how there was someone sleeping in his living room. He stared at the ceiling and listened to his own breathing. He had done stupid things, for example he had written some very desperate poems when he had been sixteen and then he had left them on his desk where Mom had of course found them. But this was pretty bad even by his standards. He couldn’t just kiss guys and then bring them home, and he never did, and he had no idea why there was a boy sleeping in his living room. Perhaps tomorrow he would call Marlene and ask her about Easter, and when he thought about that there was something uneasy in his stomach that didn’t go away. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep and kept thinking about how Sirius Black had pressed his mouth tightly against his and kissed him back and pulled him closer until he had broken it off. He felt terribly lonely and that, he thought, was a bit unfair because Sirius Black _had_ kissed him back and _had_ followed him home. But that was the way it was.  
  
  
**  
  
  
In the morning he found Sirius sitting on the floor, his wet black hair dripping water onto the carpet. Sirius was leaning into the wall, looking rather tired, and also he was wearing one of Remus’ t-shirts.  
  
“I found it lying around in the bathroom,” Sirius said, “it smelled clean.”  
  
“It really –“  
  
“Don’t tell me. You don’t mind, do you? I’m sorry, I didn’t exactly have spare clothes with me and I felt like there was something I really needed to wash off –“  
  
_Me,_ Remus thought quite illogically because they had barely touched last night, _he was trying to wash me off._  
  
“I can’t find coffee,” Sirius said.  
  
“I try to hide it from my flatmate.”  
  
Sirius opened his mouth and then closed it again. Something in him seemed to have changed from the last night and Remus tried not to think about it too much, because in ten minutes or so Sirius would go out of that door and perhaps they would never see again and that would be it. He would call Marlene and ask her to come over for Easter and in the phone he would be very unspecific about the exact nature of the visit. He made coffee and then took the cleanest mug he could find and gave it to Sirius who looked appropriately thankful but also very tired. There were dark rings around Sirius’ eyes and he kept rubbing them. When Sirius got his coffee, he drank it looking somewhere past Remus and not saying a word.  
  
“What is it?” Remus asked when he couldn’t take it anymore. He was holding his mug of coffee but hadn’t drunk a sip of it yet.  
  
“What’s what?” Sirius said and glanced at him before turning his gaze away again.  
  
“You seem very quiet.”  
  
“It’s just the morning. Listen, I’ll wash your shirt and bring it back to you somehow.”  
  
“I don’t –“  
  
“I’m not going to steal your shirt,” Sirius said. “Thanks for the coffee.”  
  
“You’re already finished?”  
  
“I have to go,” Sirius said, “there’s this lady next door, she has my spare key. She’ll be awake soon.”  
  
“So you aren’t living in the campus.”  
  
“No,” Sirius said with a tone that seemed to suggest he didn’t want to talk about it.  
  
“How so?” Remus asked.  
  
Sirius threw a glance at him and then another. “So, now you want to talk.”  
  
“No,” he said, “yeah, it’s just…”  
  
“Last night,” Sirius said and stood up, “I flirted with you and you flirted with me and you kissed me and I kissed you back and then I even followed you here and perhaps it was mostly because I couldn’t get home but also you had a chance. You had a _chance,_ Lupin. Now I’m sober and tired and I’m going.”  
  
“I’m –“  
  
Sirius glared at him and he closed his mouth. Certainly he should have said something but he just stood there and watched as Sirius put his mug into the sink and turned around and took his bag and then walked to the door. He really wanted to follow Sirius but his legs seemed to have frozen. Or perhaps he was just scared. At the door Sirius glanced at him over his shoulder and he swallowed a few times and wondered what would happen if he now walked to the boy and grabbed his shirt like had last night and then pressed their mouths together, carefully this time, slowly, and perhaps Sirius would have let him push his fingers into his hair again except that this time Sirius’ hair would be wet and -  
  
“See you around,” Sirius said and went.  
  
Remus stared at the closed door for something like five minutes before he realised his coffee had got cold and also he really needed to take a shower. There he tried not think about how Sirius had stood here just half an hour before, naked like he was now, rubbing his hair and perhaps borrowing Remus’ shampoo and – and he kept his hands in his hair and kept the shower as cold as he could take it. Later he drank his cold coffee in his room and wondered how the hell it was possible that he had done exactly what he had been supposed to and still he felt even worse than he had before.  
  
  
**  
  
  
“I heard you and Peter went to bar last night,” Marlene said and watched him over the table. He blinked a few times and then firmly told himself to concentrate. There was no way Marlene could know he had kissed Sirius Black. “I think I’ve never seen you in a party.”  
  
“Me neither,” he said and then frowned, “I mean, I’m really bad at them. But Peter wanted to grab a few drinks and I… couldn’t think of an excuse.”  
  
“I’m sure you realise you could have just said _yes we went, it was fun_ ,” Marlene said but she was smiling.  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said, “well. I kind of lost Peter. I think he met a girl, earlier he was talking with someone so perhaps she invited him in. Anyway, talking about that –“  
  
Marlene raised her eyebrows.  
  
“ _Shit._ Sorry. I didn’t mean –“  
  
“It’s fine,” Marlene said, “I like to see you squirm. Please go on. You wouldn’t have called unless there was something in your mind. Is it that essay we’re supposed to do over Easter? I can try to help but if I’m completely honest, I’m not sure if I –“  
  
“It’s not that,” Remus said, “it’s… Easter.”  
  
“Yes?” Marlene said, frowning.  
  
“I’m going to go home.”  
  
“I thought so,” Marlene said slowly, “and…”  
  
“Come with me,” Remus said and then took a sharp breath and realised his heart was drumming very uncomfortably but it was fine, it was all fine, he had done it and now it would be alright, except that Marlene was staring at him with narrowed eyes and half-open mouth.  
  
“What?” Marlene asked.  
  
“Don’t make me ask again,” Remus said and bit his lip.  
  
“No,” Marlene said and blinked, “no, _no,_ I mean… why would you… Remus, you don’t _like_ me.”  
  
“Yes, I do,” he said. It didn’t seem to be going very well. Marlene folded her hands on the table and watched him now with a bit less surprised and a bit more concerned look.  
  
“Remus,” Marlene said very slowly, “I thought you were –“  
  
“No,” he said. His voice had gone very weak somehow.  
  
“Well, then, _I_ am gay. And I have a girlfriend. So, thank you for asking, but… no.”  
  
“Marlene, I –“  
  
“I’m just glad you didn’t try to kiss me,” Marlene said and placed her palm onto his hand on the table. He stared at their hands and then her and wondered how the hell he had managed to mess it all up this badly. “It would have been so awkward. For both of us. Now, do you want to ask me about that essay or –“  
  
Remus shook his head.  
  
“Okay,” Marlene said and patted his hand. “I think I’m going to go now. Dorcas likes to sleep late but she surely wants to hear about how you… and I don’t mean that it’s ridiculous or anything, I just… I just don’t understand how you missed that you are… that we aren’t… well. I’ll go now. Happy Easter.”  
  
“Thank you,” Remus said in a thin voice. Marlene smiled at him and then frowned and he smiled back at her as well as he could which wasn’t much at the moment. She stared at him for a few seconds but then went, thank God, and he sat there taking deep breaths and rubbing his hand that Marlene had patted. The waitress was looking at him with poorly concealed pity on her face. He took his bag and his coat and left and thought about how he wouldn’t have to worry about asking Marlene anymore, and also he wouldn’t have to sit with her all the way to Cardiff and he wouldn’t have to try to kiss her. He would tell Mom he was busy with his studies and not lonely at all and there was nothing to be sad about even if he never brought girls home.  
  
He walked back to his place and felt slightly better. He shouldn’t have kissed the boy in the bar, though. It hadn’t been fair since he wasn’t… he _wasn’t…_ but he had said he was sorry and that probably was all he could do. He would forget he had ever met Sirius Black.  
  
  
**  
  
  
The next morning, he woke up when someone was banging on his door loudly enough to wake up the whole building. At first he thought it was his flatmate, _Toby,_ he thought, his flatmate had a name and he should learn to use it, it made him seem unsocial that he only ever talked about a _flatmate._ Then he realised the shower was on and therefore his flatmate couldn’t be outside knocking on their door. He stood up and went to the living room. It sounded almost like someone had been calling his name through the door but he didn’t understand how that could have been possible.  
  
“ _Remus_ ”, he thought he heard, “please be so kind and open the fucking door already. I know you’re there. I’d be so delighted if only you opened the door.”  
  
That, Remus thought, seemed like a very weird combination of a threat and a very polite ask. He opened the door. Sirius Black was standing in his doorway, blinking rapidly and staring at him like he had been surprised to see Remus there.  
  
“You’re home,” Sirius said.  
  
“Yes, well, you said you know I’m here –“  
  
“Of course I didn’t,” Sirius said and walked pass him to the living room, “it only was a good guess. Take your things, we’re going.”  
  
He was still standing at the door. Also he wasn’t wearing trousers which seemed a bit weird now but Sirius didn’t look like he noticed. The boy disappeared into Remus’ room and then came back with an empty backpack in his hands and shoved it to Remus.  
  
“It’ll take at least four days,” Sirius said, “but could take a week, so please bring enough clothes. I’ve never tried one of those places where you can do your laundry and I’m not going to do it now.”  
  
Remus stared at the backpack he was now holding and then at Sirius who was as handsome as before and also made as little sense. “What the –“  
  
“Okay, I’ll do it,” Sirius said and rushed back to Remus’ room, and he followed with a rapid heartbeat and a very bad feeling about it all, “where do you keep your – ah, here, don’t you have more clothes? Don’t worry, it’s fine, we’ll just take – a t-shirt with a periodic table? _Really?_ ”  
  
“It’s –“  
  
“No need to explain,” Sirius said, picking up t-shirts from the shelves and then pushing the pile of them to Remus, “okay, some pants, too. You’re going to need pants. Where do you –“  
  
“I’ll take them myself, thank you very much,” he said and rushed to the dresser before Sirius could. “Where the hell are we going, by the way?”  
  
“Toothbrush,” Sirius said, “take yours or borrow mine, I don’t care. And maybe you want to take a book with you, perhaps poems, what do you have in – _ah,_ I _knew_ you like poems.”  
  
“I’ve already –“  
  
“You can read it again,” Sirius said and pushed the book into his hands. “Now we’ll go.”  
  
He followed Sirius out of the flat. Later he would think about that particular moment and wonder why the hell he had followed Sirius without further questions but, in the other hand, later he would know Sirius quite well. Now he pushed the door closed after him and then took a few running steps because Sirius was already on the pavement looking at the cars like he was trying to pick one. Remus felt disturbingly relieved when Sirius pulled keys out of his pocket and opened the door of a quite regular-looking green Toyota.  
  
“Come on,” Sirius said through the opened window when Remus was still standing on the pavement.  
  
_Shit,_ he thought and sat down onto the passenger’s seat. “Sirius,” he said trying to make his voice stay steady, “you have to tell me where we’re going.”  
  
“My brother has gone missing,” Sirius said and started the car.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said, “we’re going to go to save him. We’ll just have to find him first.”  
  
“ _What?_ ”  
  
“I suggest you fasten your seatbelt,” Sirius said, “I’m a really crappy driver.”  
  
Remus swallowed a few times and then fastened his seatbelt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we go! I think this story is going to have four or five chapters but we'll see. As always, you can say hi on [tumblr](http://toyhto.tumblr.com) :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they have an awkward conversation (or two) and there's only one bed.

“Sirius,” he said when they had got out of the campus and were driving through the town, “what am I doing here?”  
  
Sirius threw a glance at him and then went back to staring at the road which probably was a very good idea. Remus leaned into the seat and wished he had had time to brush his teeth.  
  
“I realise you want a...” _hostage,_ he thought, frowned and tried again, “that you don’t want to drive alone to… to save your brother, but… you don’t _know_ me.”  
  
Sirius shrugged but kept his mouth shut. Sirius’ hair was a mess and his coat looked like it had been pulled on rather quickly, and he looked tired and also more than a little determined. Remus blinked and drew his gaze away.  
  
“Isn’t there no one else who could have –“  
  
“No.”  
  
Remus opened his mouth and then closed it again. “Really?”  
  
“My best friend -,” Sirius paused and frowned, “- my only friend, James, has this… woman. Girlfriend. They’re going to go over her place for Easter.”  
  
“But surely if your brother is missing –“  
  
“He’s in love with her,” Sirius said. He was squeezing the wheel and Remus tried not to stare at his hands. “He’s had this thing for her forever, I mean, from the first class we were in. It was _An introduction to English literature._ The lecturer said something slightly stupid but none of us realised except Lily Evans who stood up and told the old guy she disagreed. James was gone from the first word she said.”  
  
“ _An introduction to –_ “  
  
“I think he would have come,” Sirius said with a frown, “if I had asked. Probably. We’ve been best friends forever. He would have.”  
  
“You’re studying Literature.”  
  
“But what if he hadn’t,” Sirius said, “I mean, what if he hadn’t chosen me over Lily, what would I have done then? He has been pining for her all this time. They’ve been dating for four weeks or so. And now she asked him to come to meet her parents. It’s a big deal. I couldn’t make him choose.”  
  
“Which year are you in?”  
  
“Third,” Sirius said and turned to look at him. “What’re you talking about?”  
  
“Please look at the road.”  
  
“Sorry. Do you think James would have come?”  
  
“I don’t –,” he began and then paused. Sirius was throwing quick glances at him. He thought about his best friend, which had to be Peter Pettigrew even though he sometimes thought he and Peter couldn’t keep up a conversation about anything going on for more than five minutes. A few weeks ago Peter had convinced him to come to this party at the campus and for at least an hour Peter had kept pointing out pretty girls and asking if he liked to kiss that one or that one or maybe that one. “I don’t know James. But I’m here.”  
  
“You are,” Sirius said and looked a bit surprised. “That’s weird.”  
  
“You’re studying Literature. And you talked about how I look like someone who likes poems.”  
  
“I was being optimistic.”  
  
“You weren’t teasing me.”  
  
“Of course not. But then you began talking about space,” Sirius said, “and how lonely and miserable you feel in the universe.”  
  
“I wasn’t –,” he said and then closed his mouth as Sirius snorted. “So, where’re we going?”  
  
“Edinburgh. It’s where he goes to university.”  
  
“It’s like… it’s a long drive.”  
  
“I told you to pack enough pants,” Sirius said. “Are you hungry?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“We should have eaten breakfast before we left,” Sirius said, “but now it’s too late. We’ll have to stop somewhere. I think we’ll just have to find Regulus and then we’ll be fine. He always used to listen to me.”  
  
“Regulus?”  
  
“My brother. He went to the university last autumn and everything was fine or, well, like it used to be, he went home for Christmas and all. I heard Mom was happy with him. And now he sent me a message on Facebook saying he’s not going to go home anymore and he’s quitting his studies and he’s going to do something that actually matters. And then he deleted his account.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yeah. That’s what got me worried. Something must have happened.”  
  
“Have you talked to your parents?”  
  
Sirius opened his mouth and then closed it. They were on a motorway, probably heading towards North since the aim was to drive to Edinburgh, and Remus thought hazily that perhaps it was time to call his mother and tell her he wasn’t going to come home for Easter after all.  
  
“Sorry?” he said when he realised the silence in the car felt quite heavy.  
  
“I didn’t say anything,” Sirius said and then sighed. “Shit. My parents. It’s been a while since I’ve talked to them.”  
  
“But your brother’s –“  
  
“I mean, I haven’t talked to them since I was fifteen,” Sirius said. “And I’m twenty-one now. I trust you can do the math, being a Physics student and all.”  
  
“Sirius –“  
  
“I don’t want to talk about it. We’ll have to find Regulus and then we can talk to him and everything’s going to be fine.”  
  
“I don’t really know what I’m doing here.”  
  
“You could read the map,” Sirius said, “I’m crap at it. I think I don’t have the patience. Anyway, I’ll pull over now. We have to eat.”  
  
“We’re on a motorway.”  
  
“Find out how we can get out, then. You’re the one who’s reading the map.”  
  
“I don’t have a –“  
  
“You have a _phone._ ”  
  
“Yeah,” he said and picked it up from his pocket, “yeah, I have a phone. So, you’re really taking me to Edinburgh.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Fine.” He thought about calling Mom right now, right here. _Hi Mom,_ he could have said _, I’m afraid I’m not going to make it after all. There’s this boy I saw in a bar. I kissed him and now he’s driving us to Edinburgh where we’re going to save his little brother._  
  
Sirius was now driving so slowly that the other cars kept passing them. Remus put the phone back to his pocket and then remembered he was supposed to be reading the map. It was possible he was in deep trouble but also it seemed that he couldn’t stop staring at Sirius Black’s fingers on the wheel.  
  
  
**  
  
  
They stopped at a small diner along the road. Getting there had been a bit more difficult than Remus would have anticipated but he wasn’t certain whether the problem was that he didn’t know how to read the map or that Sirius had apparently never driven on a motorway before. When they finally made it, it felt like a small victory. He tried to hide his smile and also he tried to stop staring at Sirius.  
  
Later they were in the car again. They had taken a wrong turn right after they had left the diner, and for a second Remus had thought _shit I screwed this up and now he’s going to ditch me._ Then he had firmly reminded himself of the fact that he was only there because Sirius Black had literally come to his place, banged on his door and packed his shirts for him. Sirius had pretty much kidnapped him and so he probably shouldn’t have been nervous about whether he was a worthy companion for this trip or not. Luckily they had found the right route quite soon and the small village they had driven through because Remus had said _left_ instead of _right_ had been very charming. Now Sirius was eating chocolate and humming slightly off-key and Remus was staring through the window, trying to decide _what the hell_ was going on.  
  
“So,” he said. “Literature.”  
  
Sirius frowned but stopped humming anyway. “Excuse me?”  
  
“You’re studying Literature,” Remus said and cleared his throat. He had to say something because surely then he would feel less awkward. And he kind of guessed that Sirius didn’t want to talk about his family. And he himself didn’t want to talk about the kiss. And the missing little brother seemed a bit too risky topic. “How come?”  
  
“How come you study Physics,” Sirius said in a dry voice, the chocolate bar still in his hand, “besides that you want to feel lonely in space.”  
  
“I don’t want to -,” he began and then paused. “I meant that perhaps there is a reason. Perhaps you… like books, or…”  
  
“Yes, I like books,” Sirius said and Remus wished he could have just disappeared but they were on a motorway so it really wasn’t an option.  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said, “okay, that’s... I probably should have known that. Any… specific books you like?”  
  
“Well, I read Hamlet and then noticed there was this burning desire to study classical literature somewhere inside me,” Sirius said. “I don’t know. Can’t you ask something easier?”  
  
_Why haven’t you talked to your parents in six years_ , Remus thought. “Sorry.”  
  
“And stop being sorry, it’s annoying. Tell me why you picked Physics and I’ll try to tell you why I picked Literature.”      
  
“I don’t –,” he began, but actually he kind of knew. “I had to do something. And I liked Physics. I had always been kind of good at it, too.”  
  
“Well, here we go,” Sirius said, “it was pretty much the same for me.”  
  
“So you aren’t, like, you don’t want to be a writer.”  
  
“I don’t write. I just read.”  
  
“That’s –,” Remus paused. “Okay. Should we talk about something else?”  
  
“I think this is the point where you’re supposed to tell me about your favourite books. And you’re going to be surprised when I tell you I haven’t read them.”  
  
“I could tell you about my favourite physical law.”  
  
“Ah,” Sirius said and turned to look at him, and he pretended he didn’t notice, “would you?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Too bad. So, why did you come?”  
  
Remus blinked. “What?”  
  
“The other night you didn’t let me sleep in your room and now you’ve agreed to go to Edinburgh with me.”  
  
Remus closed his eyes for a second and then opened them again when the car shifted abruptly. They were still on the road, though. And Sirius was still throwing glances at him, and there was something thick in his throat when he thought about how they had walked to his place that night and how Sirius had slept on his stupid carpet that probably had never been washed. “You came to get me. I mean, you came to my place. In the morning. I can’t make sensible decisions in the morning.”  
  
“Really?” Sirius asked in a somewhat low voice. “What would Marlene say? Your imaginary girlfriend?”  
  
“She’s not -,” he began and then thought about how Marlene had patted his hand. _Shit._ It seemed he was going to spend at least a few days with Sirius Black so perhaps he should try to cut the lying down as much as possible. “She’s a real person. But she’s not my girlfriend.”  
  
“I knew it,” Sirius said but didn’t sound happy. “Is she your sister or something?”  
  
“No. She’s in one of my classes. And I really kind of thought about asking her out. And I did. But it turns out she has… someone else.”  
  
“And why the hell would you think about asking her out?”  
  
Remus opened his mouth and then closed again.  
  
“Fine,” Sirius said in a tense voice, “whatever. You can answer that one later.”  
  
_I won’t_ , Remus thought but he had a bad feeling. Sirius kept his eyes on the road which was reassuring and Remus kept his eyes in his hands which didn’t help much but it was better than to keep glancing at Sirius. Of course he probably was doing that only because Sirius _was_ handsome, there was no way to argue about that. If someone had asked Remus to explain who Sirius Black was, he would have said _the handsome boy with messy hair_ and that wasn’t his opinion but rather a neutral description of Sirius. Some people just were like that. So his interest in Sirius’ looks was nothing personal and actually he probably shouldn’t have called it an _interest_ in the first place.  
  
He took a few deep breaths and ignored Sirius who frowned at him. He would live through this. He would keep his head calm and he wouldn’t flirt with Sirius and besides the other night he had only been flirting because he had been a bit drunk and very lonely and nervous about asking Marlene to come over for Easter. He wouldn’t do it again. He would help Sirius to save his little brother from whatever it was the poor boy needed saving from, and then they would go home and everything would go back to normal and Remus would once again try to avoid going to parties with his only friend Peter Pettigrew because it always ended up with Peter pointing out pretty girls for him.  
  
Apparently he was going to have a headache. He tried to will it away and when that didn’t work out, he asked Sirius if the boy had any painkillers. Sirius hadn’t. They drove for another hour and then they stopped for a little town that probably had a name too but Remus never learned it. His head got a bit better and they ate fish and chips in a small diner where the other customers apparently had known each other since pre-school and therefore kept glancing at them. Remus tried to avoid eye contact with anyone but sometimes he happened to look at Sirius for something like a second and then Sirius always looked back at him kind of thoughtfully which wasn’t good at all, because no one watched him like that and he wasn’t sure if he could take it for _days_ without cracking.  
  
He called Mom from the parking lot.. It was surprisingly difficult to explain why he was driving to Edinburgh and not coming home for Easter and also it was hard to answer questions like _who is this Sirius Black_ and _why have I never heard of him._ Finally he managed to make it sound like he was taking a road trip with a complete stranger which was considerably better than the whole truth. He promised he was going to be okay and then after a long negotiation he also promised to send text messages every morning and evening. When he put the phone away, Sirius was looking at him with a weird expression on his face but before he could make sense of it, Sirius told him to get to the car already, they had to save Regulus.  
  
  
**  
  
  
It was almost dark before his headache got bad again. They were somewhere in North Yorkshire although neither of them was certain where because the GPS had stopped working. Remus wondered hazily if perhaps he was allergic to something, when Sirius said _we have to find a place to sleep in_ and he realised what the headache might be about.  
  
“Sirius,” he said, “I don’t actually… I’m not a rich person or anything.”  
  
“Oh,” Sirius said, glanced at him and then shrugged, “it’s fine. I’m not either because, you know, I don’t really have an access to all that money now that I’m not even talking to my folks. So no worries.”  
  
Remus blinked a few times. All afternoon he had been trying to ask in a polite and not obvious way about Sirius’ family and what the hell was going on with all that, and Sirius had kept talking about the things he and Regulus had done as kids. It had sounded like they hadn’t had parents at all but it _had_ been implied that money hadn’t been an issue. That wasn’t what Remus had been trying to say, though.      
  
“I meant,” he said, “that we might want to pick a… really cheap hostel.”  
  
“Fine,” Sirius said, “we’ll take the cheapest room that we can get. Don’t worry.”  
  
Remus swallowed. “Two rooms. We need two rooms.”  
  
Sirius let out a deep sigh that was more than a little dramatic. “Oh, _come on._ You just said you don’t have money.”  
  
“I don’t,” he said. His voice was getting a bit thin but there was nothing to be done about that. “But we can’t… I can’t…”  
  
“First of all,” Sirius said, sounding somewhat angry, and Remus stared through window even though there was nothing to be seen, “you kissed me. I kissed you back because I really wanted to. But you’ve made it clear that you were only playing with me so I won’t do that again. And now we’ll rent a room and we’ll sleep and I won’t touch you or even look at you if you don’t want to and that’s it.”  
  
“I wasn’t –“  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
“But I wasn’t –“  
  
“I’m going to put a record on,” Sirius said, “and I only have Rainbow so if you don’t like it, you’ll just have to bear with it anyway.”  
  
“Sirius –“  
  
“You’ve explained yourself rather well,” Sirius said, trying to get the CD out of the case before tossing the whole thing into Remus’ lap, “you even told me about your _girlfriend Marlene_. I don’t think there’s anything more I might want to hear.”  
  
“I’m sorry –,“ Remus began, but Sirius took the disc and shoved it to the player and then the first chords filled the car. Remus soon found he didn’t exactly like _Gates of Babylon_ although it was a bit hard to evaluate because it was too loud anyway, but he thought about how he had grabbed Sirius’ coat and then pressed his fingers against Sirius’ chest, and Sirius had let out a surprised sound or so he remembered, and he had kissed Sirius and it had been so _good_ even though he shouldn’t have, of course he shouldn’t have, and then Sirius had opened his mouth for him and his knees had gone a bit weak and he had thought about how fucking lonely he was, he could feel it in his bones, how much he was missing out, and that was pretty much when he had stepped away from Sirius. He had a vague feeling he had no right to complain about music, and so he kept watching the distant lights of the distant villages in the dark.  
  
  
**  
  
  
_Let there be two beds,_ he thought when they were walking up the stairs in a motel that had looked the cheapest and also the worst, _please let there be two beds,_ and then Sirius pushed the door open and _of course_ there was only one bed.  
  
“Shit,” Remus said before he could bit his lip.  
  
“It’s big enough,” Sirius said, dropping his backpack in the middle of the floor and looking at the bed. “You won’t even know I’m there too.”  
  
“I’ll know,” Remus said and then regretted it immediately as Sirius glanced at him. He turned away as quickly as he could and walked to the bathroom and then back to where Sirius was now sitting on the bed that was creaking loudly. Remus swallowed and went back to the bathroom and then, when he didn’t know what the hell to do, he washed his face with cold water. His headache was still there but he supposed he was just going to have to live with it. He sent Mom a text saying that they had now find two separate rooms in a very nice but very modest hotel and they were going to have a good night’s sleep and then in the morning they’d go back to driving through beautiful English country-side and probably the sun would be shining. _That sounds so lovely_ , Mom answered right away, _good night dear._  
  
“Texting Marlene?” Sirius asked when he came back from the bathroom and just stood there in the middle of the room.  
  
“I already told you that Marlene –“  
  
“I know,” Sirius said with considerably less forced cheerfulness in his voice, “I’m just a bit bitter still.”  
  
“I’m -,” Remus said and swallowed down the rest as Sirius shushed at him loudly. _Sorry_ , he thought and was quite certain Sirius saw it in his eyes because of the angry glance he got from him. Then he walked a few small circles on the carpet that had a weird smell in it. When Sirius said something about taking a shower, he walked to the window and kept staring at the almost-empty parking lot and definitely did not peek as Sirius took his shirt off and threw it at the floor. When Sirius unzipped his trousers, Remus held his breath because the sound of the zipper was somehow getting under his skin, but then Sirius kicked the trousers off and _thank God_ left his pants on, walked to the bathroom and shut the door. Remus breathed slowly in and realised his heart was beating very fast.  
  
When Sirius got back, Remus’ heart had almost calmed down. He bit his teeth together, held his breath and tried not to look but it was _impossible_ , Sirius was standing right there in front of him, having nothing on besides the towel on his waist. Sirius wasn’t looking at Remus which only seemed to make it worse. He blinked and watched as Sirius knelt down onto the floor to go through his backpack. Sirius emptied pretty much the whole bag and then picked black pants, and Remus turned away and almost collided with the chair, because he definitely couldn’t see _that_ , in any case he wasn’t allowed to know what kind of underwear Sirius was wearing because that would throw him off, he knew it would, he could try to concentrate on the landscape and the sheep and the villages and the sunshine and all that tomorrow but all the time he would know what colour Sirius’ pants were, and _oh fuck_ he was ridiculous. He really was. He took a deep breath and then realised Sirius had put the towel aside and was now just standing there and watching him with nothing but his pants on and that it was quite obvious Remus had been trying not to stare and that it wasn’t working for him.  
  
“I’m going to brush my teeth,” Sirius said.  
  
“Fine,” Remus said and his voice creaked.  
  
A few minutes later Sirius climbed onto the bed without looking at Remus who was still standing next to the window, trying to collect his thoughts, a task task clearly was impossible. He watched as Sirius lay down and pulled on the duvet and turned onto his side like he was actually going to sleep now. He took his tooth brush and went to the bathroom, and then he brushed his teeth as thoroughly as he could. Every time the bed creaked he froze and then felt a bit worse and kept brushing his teeth until finally he was a bit concerned whether it was actually safe anymore, surely there was a time limit. Sirius had his eyes closed now. Remus turned off the lights and then undressed as quickly and quietly as possible and lay down and then almost fell to the floor and shifted a little, but thankfully the bed _was_ big enough and it seemed he could fit there without touching Sirius.  
  
He listened to his own breaths and Sirius’ and thought that perhaps he could actually sleep tonight.  
  
“But you are gay,” Sirius said.  
  
Remus let out a shaky breath. “ _What?”_  
  
“You are,” Sirius said in a very quiet voice, “you must be. You kissed me.”  
  
“I’m not,” Remus said. He definitely had to go now, perhaps to the bathroom, he could go there and lock the door except that it seemed he couldn’t move. He thought he felt Sirius _breathing_ and it was absolutely terrifying and also impossible and then the mattress shifted as Sirius shifted and Remus closed his eyes even though it was dark anyway.  
  
“So you’re bi,” Sirius said in a voice that was so casual it sounded stretched.  
  
“No,” Remus said, “ _no,_ I don’t want to talk about it.”  
  
“It’s dark,” Sirius said, “I can’t see your face. And you _kissed_ me. I tried to tell myself you were just fooling around but you don’t really seem that kind of a guy.”  
  
“I’m not,” Remus said. Certainly Sirius could hear the way his heart was beating.  
  
“So,” Sirius said after a long silence, “I’ll ask something else.”  
  
“Please don’t.”  
  
“Your imaginary girlfriend,” Sirius said, sounding almost sad. Remus breathed in and out but it didn’t help at all. “Have you had a real one?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Was it good?”  
  
He bit his lip. “Not really.”  
  
“Why did you do it then?”  
  
“Because,” he said and thought about Annie Watson who had grabbed his hand and smiled at him very nervously and also kind of sweetly even though he had had a feeling in his stomach that it wasn’t going to end well, “ _because._ You know. It seemed like a thing to do.”  
  
“A thing to do.”  
  
“She liked me.”  
  
“But you’re gay.”  
  
“Please stop saying that.”  
  
“I liked that kiss,” Sirius said and Remus thought he was going to crack, he really was, he was probably going to cry or something extremely stupid like that, because he remembered how that kiss had felt like and he couldn’t shake it off but also he couldn’t… he _couldn’t…_ “I really liked that kiss.”  
  
“Can’t we just sleep?” he said with a shaky voice.  
  
“And I’m just trying to figure out,” Sirius said slowly, “why it won’t happen again. Because I liked it. And you liked it.”  
  
“I can’t –,” Remus said, _kiss you_ , but of course he couldn’t say it because Sirius would hear from his fucking _voice_ how much he wanted to. “I just can’t.”  
  
“But what if,” Sirius said, “what if I promise you don’t have to tell anyone. You can stay in the closet if you want to. I’ll be sad but we can figure it out later. You could just kiss me now and no one would have to know.”  
  
“It’s not about that,” he said although it probably was.  
  
“So what’s it about?”  
  
“I have to,” Remus said and took a deep breath, “I have to find a girlfriend. I just have to. I can’t kiss you.”  
  
“You already did,” Sirius said which seemed like an unnecessary thing to do even if he had earned it. “And why the hell would you have to find a girlfriend if you don’t even like girls?”  
  
“I can’t explain that.”  
  
“I’m pretty sure you aren’t royal or anything,” Sirius said in a sharp voice, “no offence but I don’t think you’re obliged to produce an heir for the empire. So I can’t figure out –“  
  
“My family,” Remus said and thought _what the fuck are you doing Lupin, go back to lying, go back to lying RIGHT NOW, he’ll never understand, he’ll laugh at you and despise of you_ , but also he could smell Sirius’ shampoo and he felt like crying and like he was too far gone already. “My mom. She would never understand.”  
  
“Because she’s –“  
  
“I love her,” he said and his voice creaked a little. “I really, really love her. So please don’t talk shit about her.”  
  
“But she doesn’t approve of –“  
  
“She’s not _cruel,_ it’s nothing like that, she’s not how the newspapers write about people who don’t… approve, she’s the best person, she’s… she’s my _mom._ ”  
  
“I get it,” Sirius said very quietly, “or of course I don’t _get it_ because my mother is… but fine, you love her. But surely she would want you to be happy.”  
  
“She does,” Remus said. He was lying in the bed next to that impossible handsome bloke and had no idea why he was talking about all this because he didn’t want to, he really didn’t, he didn’t want to even think about it himself because it all was impossible and thinking about it wouldn’t get him anywhere. He would only get sadder and certainly he was sad enough already. “She just has this… this image of how I’m going to be… happy.”  
  
“But that’s not –“  
  
“It’s what it is,” he said and opened his eyes. The ceiling had a spot of light on it. It had to be coming from the parking lot because the room was all dark. “I really have to find a girlfriend in some point. I have to. I have to find a girl I can be with.”  
  
“Remus,” Sirius said in a voice that was almost soft and it was too fucking much, he couldn’t take this, he couldn’t, “I don’t think that’s possible.”  
  
“It must be.”  
  
“I think you’re gay,” Sirius said, “and I think you’ll never fall in love with a girl, no matter how much you want to make your mother happy.”  
  
“You don’t know that,” he said and kept blinking but there was nothing to be done. He was crying. He was fucking crying and Sirius could certainly hear it from his voice and he couldn’t stop and he couldn’t go away because then he would just lock himself up in the bathroom and probably never come out again.  
  
“It’s a good guess, though,” Sirius said. “I can hold you if you want to, I mean, I’m sorry you’re so sad. Do you want me to… to caress your hair or something?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Fine. I’ll just lie here.”  
  
“I’m sorry I’m crying.”  
  
“I cried last week when I got a C from an essay I had been writing for the whole night. So I’m quite familiar with the concept.”  
  
Remus kind of laughed out and also cried a bit louder at the same time.  
  
“See, I’m more pathetic than you are,” Sirius said. “And I can pat you on the shoulder if you want me to. So if you feel like it, please poke me in my ribs or something so I can take that as a sign. But otherwise I’ll just lie here now and let you be.”  
  
“You’re really nice.”  
  
“I know,” Sirius said sounding very sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing in English is always a roller coaster for me and it usually involves a lot of _oh my god how am I going to say this very every day kind of a thing in English_. For example, for this chapter 2 I just couldn't figure out how to express driving your car out from the motorway (to a smaller road or something) nor could I figure out how to express pressing your fingers against your forehead/temples/something like that in order to lessen your headache. So guys, if you have feelings about how these two very important things are said in English, please feel free to let me know :')
> 
> Otherwise, I hope you liked the chapter! I think there's a chance that we might actually meet Regulus in chapter 3, so there's something to look forward to.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are sheep on the road.

There was this light brown stain on the ceiling that made him think someone had thrown their coffee up there. He kept staring at the stain as the grey light of the morning slowly filled the room. He wasn’t exactly certain how long he had been awake at this point but he remembered realising he was in the wrong bed and that there was a handsome black-haired guy snoring in front of his face. Sirius had had his eyes shut and his mouth half-open and Remus had first thought about quick escape because certainly that was the most sensible thing to do, but moving might have woken Sirius up and he hadn’t been willing to take that risk. So he had turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling instead, and wasn’t that a weird stain indeed.  
  
“What’re you doing?”  
  
He closed his eyes for a second. “Nothing.”  
  
“You were watching the ceiling.”  
  
“So?”  
  
“Isn’t that like,” Sirius said and paused. His voice was very low and also very hoarse. It was absolutely incomprehensible that Remus was lying _right next to him_ , like, Sirius was _right there._ “Isn’t it the most boring thing anyone can imagine? Why aren’t you reading a book?”  
  
“I didn’t want to move,” he said and then thought _shit shit shit._  
  
“You didn’t want to move,” Sirius said slowly. Remus’ toes were tingling weirdly.  
  
“That’s what I said.”  
  
“Because you might have woken me up.”  
  
“That’s not -,” he began and then closed his mouth. “Fine. Yeah. I didn’t want to wake you up.”  
  
“Don’t you like to hear me talk?”  
  
“Don’t I… _shit,_ Sirius, I really… _of course_ I… that’s not what I meant. Not at _all._ I meant that I thought I couldn’t deal with you.”  
  
“Ah,” Sirius said and the mattress shifted as he leaned closer. Remus backed away and almost fell onto the floor. “You don’t have to, you know, _deal with me._ I’ll behave.”  
  
“I’m sorry I was so… I’m sorry about last night.”  
  
“Just give me a few hours and I’ll do something extremely stupid,” Sirius said, “and you’ll feel sorry for yourself because you’re stuck with me in… I don’t even know where we are.”  
  
“Me neither. We’ll have to get GPS working before we start driving.”  
  
“Or we could just drive and see where we end up,” Sirius said and bit at his lower lip.  
  
Remus tried to keep his eyes at the stain on the ceiling. He thought he could smell Sirius’ hair. He tried to concentrate on what Sirius’ was now saying but he had never woken up like this, lying next to a person that was so… _so…_ “What?”  
  
“Weren’t you listening?” Sirius asked, frowning. “I said I haven’t actually talked with Reg in… two years I think. We used to arrange these meetings, usually in Starbucks because our parents would never go to Starbucks and so it was like a safe ground for us. But then we stopped. And I couldn’t bring myself to ask him because he didn’t ask me.”  
  
“You haven’t talked to your brother in _two years?_ ”  
  
“It sounds worse than it is,” Sirius said and then grimaced, “actually it really is pretty bad. I kind of kept hoping he would get tired with all the nonsense and fuck off. Like I did. But he hasn’t.”  
  
“What nonsense?”  
  
“I don’t want to talk about my parents. I’ve sometimes talked with Reg on Facebook, though. But you know, he could have changed. It’s possible. Perhaps I don’t even know him anymore. So it doesn’t really matter so much if we take a long route there.”  
  
“But we’re looking for him,” Remus said slowly, “we’re literally driving through the country because you think he’s in trouble.”  
  
“Yes, well,” Sirius said, “I also never had a road trip.”  
  
“ _What?_ ”  
  
“But you’re absolutely right, we _are_ looking for him, and we’ll find him and I’ll…. I’ll probably talk to him. Or you could do the talking. Could you please first ask him not to say anything about our parents as long as –“  
  
“Absolutely not,” Remus said and sat up on the bed. “You’re his _brother._ I’m not doing the talking, you are. I’m only here because…”  
  
“Because I couldn’t ask James.”  
  
“Because you couldn’t ask James.”  
  
“But I’m actually glad I got you,” Sirius said, slowly smiling at him. He swallowed. “James would have been talking about Lily non-stop. I’ve already taken that for the last two and a half years, thank you very much.”  
  
“He really likes that girl, then.”  
  
“He does,” Sirius said, “it’s sickening. And of course it makes me lonely.”  
  
“But you are -,” Remus said and took a deep breath.  
  
“I’m what?” Sirius asked, narrowing his eyes. He was still lying on the bed, now on his back as Remus was sitting on the edge of the mattress, and Sirius’ hair was sprawled all over the pillow and he had pushed the duvet partly aside so that Remus could see his bare chest and his stomach and almost the waistband of his pants.  
  
“You look like that,” Remus said and Sirius’ eyes got even narrower, “like, you’re really… you could go to a bar and pick anyone.”  
  
“I kind of tried that, you know,” Sirius said in a quiet voice, “the other night.”  
  
“Shit. Sorry. I mean… obviously I have some… issues, but you could just… I’m certain anyone would fall for you.”  
  
“Really?” Sirius said. It seemed like the duvet was slowly going downwards but Sirius’ arms weren’t moving so perhaps Remus was just imagining things. “How so?”  
  
“You’re just trying to make me say nice things about you.”  
  
“Please,” Sirius said, “say nice things about me.”  
  
“I can’t,” he said and stood up. The floor was cold and there was sand on it. He stood there besides the bed and watched as Sirius dragged the duvet back up to his jaw and then sighed. “Sorry.”  
  
“Fine,” Sirius said, “but tell me one thing. You told me you like to watch the stars and think about how fucking far away they are and how alone you are.”  
  
“I definitely didn’t –“  
  
“So isn’t it like the same? Aren’t we all like the smallest pieces in the space that’s so unbearably big that it’s almost impossible to meet anyone there? That it’s almost impossible to fall in love with someone who also falls for you?”  
  
“Don’t ask me that,” he said. His mouth felt very dry.  
  
“It’s almost like a miracle,” Sirius said, “when you smile at someone in a bar and they smile back at you and you think _oh my God I think that person fancies me_ and _oh fuck I wish I could kiss him_ and then you see them in a dark alley where you’re smoking even though you told James you’d quit but you just can’t because sometimes you just realise you can’t talk to anyone anymore and then it feels like the only thing you can do. Of course I know it’s stupid and unhealthy, I’m not fourteen. But anyway, you’re smoking and thinking about how you’re going to quit soon enough and then there comes this guy you’ve been trying to hit on for the whole evening and he stops at you and you try to say something but words get stuck on your throat and then he grabs, like, he literally _grabs_ your coat and keeps you there and kisses you on the mouth. Isn’t that like the most improbable thing?”  
  
“It’s actually not,” Remus said. He was very cold and he really needed a warm shower and perhaps a breakfast and he needed to find a girl whom he could like enough so that he could kiss her and not bail like he had with Annie Watson. And he needed to stop staring at Sirius, right now, only it was impossible and he couldn’t make himself do it. “If you’re lonely,” he said and felt cold through the bones, “I’m certain you’d find someone who –“  
  
“Fuck you,” Sirius said very quietly, “I like _you._ ”  
  
“Why,” he said and bit his lip but it was too late anyway, “why the hell?”  
  
“You’re unbearable,” Sirius said, sitting up and grabbing the duvet with him, “you really are, you keep questioning _everything,_ can’t I even tell you that I like you without you ripping me into pieces about it, you _git,_ you should learn some _manners_ and… sorry. That probably came out in a wrong way.”  
  
Remus stared at the guy. Through the window he could hear car being started in the parking lot. Sirius ran his fingers through his hair, and he watched Sirius’ fingers and then blinked. “I kind of really meant that question.”  
  
“You have a thing for my hair,” Sirius said, sounding very tired for someone who had just woken up. “You keep staring at it. The other night you pushed your fingers into it as soon as you let go of my coat. Perhaps you’re only here because you like my hair.”  
  
“Of course not,” he said. He was there because… actually he couldn’t remember why. It was supposed to have something to do with Sirius’ little brother, though. “I only meant that you’re quite above my… scale. Anyone would think you’re… you know. So I’m genuinely perplexed about why you would _like_ me.”  
  
“You are staring at my hair again,” Sirius said, frowning. “I think you should go take a shower. You look like you’re cold.”  
  
“I was going to –“  
  
“And we should leave. I don’t know what we’re still doing here.”  
  
“I don’t –“  
  
“Please go already,” Sirius said, “maybe you’re one of those people who like their showers slow and then we’ll _never_ get out of here.”  
  
“I’m not –“  
  
“Stop talking,” Sirius said, “and stop staring at my hair. I really thought you liked my face too.”  
  
Remus opened his mouth and then closed it and walked to the bathroom. He locked the door and thought he heard Sirius laughing but it could have been just him imagining things. When he turned the water on, the sound of laughing vanished into the water falling onto the tile floor.  
  
  
**  
  
  
“Maybe we shouldn’t to try to find him.”  
  
“What?” he asked and then took a deep breath. “Sirius, we’re almost in Scotland.”  
  
“I’ve been thinking,” Sirius said, staring right ahead. “Last time I met him in Starbucks was a bit tense.”  
  
“So what?” he said and leaned into the seat. In the morning they had had a long discussion about where they were going to have a breakfast and finally they had gone to Tesco and then eaten in the car and for some reason Sirius had wanted to talk about the space. He had tried to explain the basics and Sirius had kept asking _but what about time travelling_ and after a couple of _but it’s not like anyone can actually do it_ he had realised he was trying not to laugh and Sirius was smiling at him, and that he certainly had a crush on Sirius and they both knew it. “He’s your brother,” he said now, trying to concentrate which was a bit hard since Sirius was biting at his lower lip and looking very focused. “So what if you had a little fight. You said he deleted his _Facebook account._ ”  
  
“You don’t understand,” Sirius said. “He threw his coffee at me.”  
  
“He –“  
  
“At my jeans. On purpose.”  
  
“Sirius,” he said and swallowed. “We’re going to go to Edinburgh and we’re going to find him. You have his address, don’t you?”  
  
“Yeah. Though I don’t know why he bothered telling me because he –“  
  
“So, we are going to knock on his door. And if he’s not there, then we’re trying to figure out what to do next.”  
  
“Why did you come with me?”  
  
“Don’t you know?” he said.  
  
Sirius cocked an eyebrow but didn’t turn to look at him.  
  
“And besides you were pretty persistent. You would have packed my pants for me.”  
  
“I just wanted to see what kind of underwear you have,” Sirius said and finally glanced at him. “I made you blush. Good.”  
  
“We were talking about your brother.”  
  
“He was my best friend when we were kids. And even after all that… even when I was already living with James’ folks, I kind of kept thinking that we would… I don’t know. This is stupid.”  
  
“But you two are still talking. Or you were. You kept seeing him in… Starbucks.”  
  
“I don’t know how to fix it,” Sirius said, “I never knew. That’s why he threw his coffee at my jeans.”  
  
“But why would you think that he…” Remus paused. It was starting to rain. The water was falling down onto the windscreen and the car was slowing down but he didn’t feel like pointing that out. He supposed they’d be in Edinburgh this evening and he wasn’t certain why the thought made him so uncomfortable. “Why would he take off? He’s not on drugs, is he?”  
  
“I wouldn’t know,” Sirius said, “but I don’t think so. I hope not because then I’d probably have to call my mother.”  
  
“Why –“  
  
“I’m not going to talk about my parents. Why did you let me joke about your pants?”  
  
“There’s nothing wrong with my pants,” he said and held his breath.  
  
“I know,” Sirius said and glanced at him, “or I don’t of course but I suppose. Is it because we talked about it?”  
  
“Maybe.”  
  
“You should have told me in the first place.”  
  
“I really like you,” he said and leaned his elbow against the door.  
  
“So,” Sirius said very slowly and Remus closed his eyes, “if you weren’t worried about what your mother will say –“  
  
“There’s no use in that.”  
  
“But if –“  
  
“We would pull the car over.”  
  
“You like me that much,” Sirius said in a thin voice.  
  
“Of course I like you that much,” Remus said, “you idiot. I kissed you the other night even though I’m not… I’m not supposed to… _shit._ And now you’re driving me to Edinburgh to see your family.”  
  
When he opened his eyes, Sirius quickly drew his glance away from him. Luckily the road was almost empty. They were driving in the middle of the moors and for a second Remus thought about asking if they could stop. He wouldn’t kiss Sirius, of course. But they could walk a little, something, anything, he was sure this was the kind of a landscape people came to see. Perhaps he only needed some fresh air and then he could take sitting in the same tiny car with Sirius Black for a few more hours.  
  
“When you put it that way –,” Sirius said and then frowned.  
  
“Where’re we going to sleep?” Remus asked. He tried to keep his voice as casual as he could but maybe it was bit too late for that. “At your brother’s place?”  
  
“If he’s there. And if he lets us in.”  
  
“Do you think he’ll have space –“  
  
“I suppose you can have your own room if you want.”  
  
“I don’t need –,” he began and then bit his lip. “And if he’s not there, then we’ll go to motel. Like last night.”  
  
“We could also just drive back.”  
  
“We’re going to find him,” Remus said,” and you don’t get to give up, not after you’ve dragged me here.”  
  
“I’m sorry about that.”  
  
“Don’t be,” he said, “this is… I don’t even know what this is. But I have a thing for your hair.”  
  
“I knew it,” Sirius said and then they drove a long time in silence until just after midday Sirius pulled the car over and they watched the grey and rainy hills going to the distance one after another and ate the rest of the food they had bought for breakfast. Remus tried to keep his eyes on the sheep that seemed to be slightly uncomfortable in the rain but then again, he didn’t know anything about sheep. Sometimes when he gave in and glanced at Sirius, Sirius was staring at his fingers or his neck or something like that and certainly he blushed but Sirius didn’t say anything. And he kept thinking about what he had said earlier, _we would pull the car over_ and how he would kiss Sirius right now and they’d probably lower the seats and then they’d just keep on kissing, he was pretty sure he could kiss Sirius for the rest of the day.  
  
“What’re you thinking about?” Sirius said.  
  
“I hope it stops raining,” he said, “I didn’t bring that kind of clothes.”  
  
“Really?” Sirius said. He had chocolate on his jaw.  
  
  
**  
  
  
He told Sirius about Annie Watson. He didn’t know why because the story was so ridiculous and pathetic from the beginning, but Sirius kept driving slowly and said nothing even when he got to the part where he knew he was going to have to kiss Annie and also he knew he didn’t want to even though he might have not yet known exactly why. A little later Sirius said _I told my parents I was gay when I was fourteen_ and he said _oh_ and Sirius said _but I think I did it to irritate them. Though it was true of course._ Remus said _so you knew it already when you were fourteen_ and Sirius said _I always kind of knew, didn’t you_ , and he said _I don’t know._ And all the time they kept getting nearer to Edinburgh and he began wishing they hadn’t. He thought about how they would just keep doing this indefinitely, whatever it was that they were doing. Every night they would find a crappy motel and sleep in the same bed. Even if he couldn’t touch Sirius, he would know Sirius would be right there. It would be enough. And if they never had to go back home, he would also never have to get back to his real life and he would never have to get rid of this stupid crush.  
  
“I’ve never done laundry,” Sirius said when Remus was imagining how in the morning he would sit on the edge of the bed in a small motel room and Sirius would come from the shower with his hair all wet and clinging into his neck, “that’s why I said you should bring enough clothes.”  
  
“You’ve never –“  
  
“I thought it was normal,” Sirius said, “I thought everyone just… takes their laundry somewhere and someone else takes care of it. But when I started in uni I realised it’s actually something you’re kind of supposed to know how to do. So that’s why I’m only telling you now.”  
  
“But how –“  
  
“My neighbour does it for me,” Sirius said and kept biting at his lower lip and throwing quick glances at Remus, “this lady who has my spare key. Her name is Minerva.”  
  
“She does your _laundry_ –“  
  
“It’s not as weird as it sounds. She goes away a lot, I don’t really know why and I don’t dare to ask. She’s kind of intimidating, you’ll see when you meet her. But anyway, I look after her cats when she’s away. It’s like we have a deal.”  
  
“I can’t believe you’ve never done your own laundry.”  
  
“Yes, well,” Sirius said. “You can show me if you want.”  
  
He snorted and then grabbed his knees with both hands. The car slowed down because there were sheep on the road. “I don’t know how you manage to make that sound like you were flirting with me.”  
  
“I am,” Sirius said, frowning at the sheep, “it’s just not going very well.”  
  
“You’re wrong about that.”  
  
Sirius glanced at him and then pulled the car over because it didn’t look like the sheep were going to move anytime soon. “How do you think this’ll end?”  
  
“I think we’re going to find Regulus,” he said with a nervous edge in his voice, but well, he was getting used to it, “and you’re going to talk to him and you two are going to fix whatever it is that’s bothering you, and he’s going to keep on with his studies probably and you won’t have to call your mom. And then we’ll go back home.”  
  
“And then,” Sirius said.  
  
“We could be friends,” he said.  
  
Sirius laughed out.  
  
“Or maybe not,” he said, “if you don’t want to –“  
  
“Oh,” Sirius said, “I want to, but also I want to get out of the car right now and I want you to follow me, and I want you to grab my arm and pull me back and I want your fingers on my chest and in my hair and I want you to kiss me like you did the other day. And you’re licking your lips right now, Remus, you _are,_ and also you’re grabbing your knees because you don’t know what you would do with your hands otherwise. So, please tell me how we can be _friends_.”  
  
“We could -,” he said and swallowed. Sirius had turned to face him and he could see Sirius’ chest raising and falling under the cotton.  
  
“We can’t,” Sirius said.  
  
“Maybe you’ll find someone else,” Remus said and felt like his stomach was clenching into a tight knot. “And then we can just… hang around.”  
  
“Let me tell you what I usually do,” Sirius said. The sheep were now gathering around the car and Remus thought optimistically that perhaps they would be stuck in here forever. “I watch TV. I don’t really read books for fun anymore so usually I just go over James’ place and we watch something from Netflix. And when we go out we usually just dance because I’m crap at talking to people and James isn’t really interested in anyone but Lily. And we really like dancing, or at least I do and James usually follows me because he doesn’t know what to do by himself. But now that he has Lily, I think I’m going to dance by myself.”  
  
Remus opened the window. There was this sheep outside who was looking him straight in the eyes. “You can’t be crap at talking to people.”  
  
“I thought everyone had servants until I was fifteen,” Sirius said, “and also I didn’t have one single friend as a kid, I only had Regulus. And I _talk_ to people, of course I do, but I think they can somehow sense that I don’t know how to do my laundry.”  
  
“It’s not that big a –“  
  
“I think Minerva is my second best friend after James,” Sirius said, “or perhaps Lily. Or you. So don’t think that I’m just going to hook up with someone else when we get back.”  
  
“I was just trying to make this easier.”  
  
“I know,” Sirius said and pushed his fingers into his hair. Remus tried not to look. The sheep was now close enough that he could have patted it through the window. “We have to do something about those sheep. Can you? I don’t know a thing about them.”  
  
“Me neither.”  
  
“They’re never going to let us leave.”  
  
“I don’t care that you don’t know how to do your laundry,” Remus said, “and I also don’t know how to make friends. So, I think you could just keep trying to talk to people. And one day you’ll meet someone like –“  
  
“Like you,” Sirius said and bit his lip, and Remus placed his palm onto his mouth because _shit_ this was going badly, “you were going to say that I’m going to meet someone like you.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“We could be kissing right now,” Sirius said, “fucking hell this is… Do you think they’ll go if I honk?”  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
Sirius honked. The sheep glared at them but didn’t move. Sirius sighed deeply and turned to look through the window, and Remus stared at his neck and the black hair that almost reached his shoulders and looked so messy his fingers would probably have got stuck in it.  
  
“I think we’re going to be late,” Sirius said.  
  
“I’m happy they aren’t cows,” he said, “I’ve always been a bit afraid of cows. I don’t know why. Maybe because they’re so big and they look at you like they know what you’re thinking.”  
  
“I wish you would kiss me,” Sirius said.  
  
Remus buried his face in his hands.  
  
  
**  
  
  
It was already dark before they reached Edinburgh and stopped so that Sirius could buy more chocolate and also something else to eat, which seemed a bit unnecessary since they were so close to where they had been trying to get all along. But Remus didn’t say anything. Later they were driving again and Sirius kept his mouth pressed tightly shut and Remus kept glancing at him and trying to make sense of the map.  
  
“Now left,” he said and Sirius didn’t even argue. “We’re actually pretty close.”  
  
Sirius looked very unhappy.  
  
“I’ve never been to Edinburgh before,” Remus said, “seems like a great place.”  
  
“Listen,” Sirius said, “I think we should tell Regulus that you’re my boyfriend.”  
  
He blinked and waited for something, possibly _I’m joking you idiot,_ but nothing happened. Sirius kept staring at the road. He kept wondering what the hell was going on. “What?”  
  
“It’ll explain why you’re here.”  
  
“Can’t I just be your… friend?”  
  
“He knows me,” Sirius said, “he was there when we were kids and tried to talk to other kids we sometimes saw in the park when we managed to run away from Nanny.”  
  
“But why the hell would you tell him that I’m your…”  
  
“You can’t even say it,” Sirius said and glanced at him, and he thought _shit shit shit_ but there was nothing to be done about that. “I could tell him it’s a secret. He understands secrets.”  
  
“I just don’t see the point.”  
  
“And it’ll explain why we don’t want separate guestrooms.”  
  
“He has _guestrooms?_ ”  
  
“He has my parents’ credit card,” Sirius said. “And besides, if we tell him that we’re dating, he doesn’t get confused about why you keep staring at my hair like you want to push your fingers into it.”  
  
“I’m not -,” he began and drew his eyes away from Sirius’ hair. “Turn right. I think we’re there.”  
  
“Fuck,” Sirius said but turned right.  
  
The building they had been looking for was huge and ancient. _He owns this building,_ Remus thought for a second as they stepped onto the pavement and Sirius locked the car, _he fucking owns this building,_ but when he tried to politely ask Sirius if his brother was actually ridiculously and incomprehensibly wealthy, Sirius just frowned at him. He took a deep breath and followed Sirius inside. In the lift he thought he should have said something, anything, like _it’ll go well_ or _he’s your brother, I’m sure he’s glad to see you_ but words kept getting stuck in his throat. Sirius was tucking the neckline of his t-shirt and for a second Remus thought he should have worn a suit for this.  
  
And then the lift stopped and the doors opened.  
  
He would have followed Sirius to the corridor but Sirius didn’t move.  
  
“We have to go,” he said after something like ten seconds, “someone else might want to use the lift.”  
  
“I don’t care,” Sirius said but started walking anyway.  
  
The corridor was completely silent and also it was made of stone that strongly resembled marble and the echoes of their footsteps against the floor seemed to go on indefinitely. _Maybe this is the wrong place,_ Remus thought, but then Sirius stopped in front of a massive door that had a plate on it. The plate looked disturbingly lot like it had been made of gold and it had _Regulus Black_ written on it.  
  
“You should knock,” Sirius said.  
  
“He’s your brother,” he said.  
  
“Fine,” Sirius said, sounding very bitter and also more than slightly nervous. He knocked on the door. The possibly golden plate winced a little but nothing else happened. It was all silent. Remus found out he was holding his breath and then started breathing again even though he had a vague feeling that he couldn’t afford to breathe in a place like this. “We should go,” Sirius said, “he’s not here.”  
  
“Let’s try one more time,” Remus said and leaned in to knock on the door himself, but right then the door opened.  
  
“What an Earth?” someone asked.  
  
“Hello,” Sirius said.  
  
“Hello,” Remus said and blinked. He would probably have recognised Regulus Black even if there hadn’t been a golden plate with large intimidating letters on it.  
  
“What the hell has happened?” Sirius asked. “Why are you looking like that?”  
  
“Why are you here?” Regulus asked. He had the same sharp eyes that Sirius had. _I shouldn’t stare at him_ , Remus thought and then almost collided with the wall when Regulus glanced at him. “And who’s that?”  
  
“Hello,” he said and stretched his hand out, “my name is –“  
  
“He’s a friend,” Sirius said.  
  
“You don’t have friends,” Regulus said, narrowing his eyes, “I was there when we tried to play with the shopkeeper’s children and you told them about what our great uncle had done in tea plantation in India.”  
  
“I’m his boyfriend,” Remus said.  
  
Regulus turned to look at him again and he took a step back. The boy looked like someone had tried to copy Sirius but ended up changing a bit here and there. “Are you really?” Regulus said in a hoarse voice that sounded a lot like Sirius’.  
  
“He’s not,” Sirius said.  
  
“I am,” he said and pushed his shoulders back. “I’m so glad we found you. He’s been worried about you.”  
  
“No, I haven’t,” Sirius said quickly, “ _Remus –_ “  
  
“Why the hell would he be worried about me?” Regulus said and kept eyeing at Remus like he had thought Remus was supposed to answer that. “He hasn’t given a shit since he left.”  
  
“You didn’t give a shit about me,” Sirius said and for some reason poked Remus at the arm.  
  
“Do you know what he did?” Regulus said leaning closer to Remus. “He just _left._ He had this new buddy he had got from school, James Potter, a nice middle-class boy who had these stupid glasses, and one day he had a fight with mother and then he just walked out of the door and never came back.”  
  
“I couldn’t take it anymore,” Sirius said, “you know that, you were _there –_ “  
  
“And Mrs. Potter came a week later to pick up his stuff,” Regulus said, “and kept _smiling_ all the time.”  
  
“I think you two should have a talk,” Remus said.  
  
“Absolutely not,” Sirius said, “this was a mistake, we’re going –“  
  
“I was _thirteen,_ ” Regulus said, “and he was my only friend because I didn’t know how to talk to other kids either. And after three weeks he sent me this letter saying he was sorry and that I wouldn’t believe how absolutely fantastic it was to live with the Potters.”  
  
“You didn’t,” Remus said and turned to look at Sirius, who had now both of his hands pushed into his hair and who stared back at him with wide eyes.  
  
“I did,” Sirius said in a quiet voice, “I was really excited.”  
  
“I was completely absolutely alone,” Regulus said, “with our parents. So I’m really happy to hear that he’s finally got a boyfriend, but I’m very busy, so if you two could please just kindly fuck off –“  
  
“We aren’t leaving,” Sirius said and took a step forward. “We drove two days to get here.”  
  
“You can’t come in,” Regulus said, and it actually looked very much like Sirius was going to push his brother aside and walk straight into the flat. “I sacked my cleaning lady three weeks ago.”  
  
“Why? You can’t clean anything.”  
  
“She was spying for mother,” Regulus said and Sirius nodded like it hadn’t been an absolutely crazy thing to say. “Does she know you have a boyfriend?”  
  
“I haven’t talked to her in six years,” Sirius said, “of course she doesn’t know.”  
  
“Certainly you know she’s hired two part-time detectives to keep an eye on you.”  
  
“I supposed she would,” Sirius said and then seemed to remember what they were talking about, “but no, she doesn’t know and you can’t tell him.”  
  
“But she already knows that you’re gay.”  
  
“Please,” Sirius said.  
  
Regulus looked like someone had punched him on the face. Remus glanced at Sirius, but Sirius was actually looking at Regulus, who was looking back at Sirius, and neither of them was shouting. It was very weird. Suddenly the corridor was awfully quiet and also Remus could hear some classical music faintly lingering in the air.  
  
“Fine,” Regulus said finally.  
  
“Thank you,” Sirius said and somehow he managed to look like he was in pain.  
  
“Would you like to come in?” Regulus asked and stepped aside from the door. The apartment looked enormous and also there was stuff lying around everywhere.  
  
“No, thank you,” Sirius said, “we really should be going.”  
  
_Fucking hell_ , Remus thought, because he was actually quite tired and he had been sitting in the car for almost the whole day and still the last five minutes had been the worst. “Of course we’re coming in. Thank you.”  
  
Regulus smiled at him in a way that looked like it had been programmed beforehand. He ignored it and walked in. He had to circle a pile of coats in the middle of the floor but he did it and walked on. _Come on_ , he thought and then he heard Sirius stepping inside the flat and the door closing with a loud and very pressing click.  
  
“I have whiskey and tea,” Regulus said.  
  
“We’ll have tea, thanks,” Remus said and walked into the room that had to be the largest kitchen he had ever seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well obviously we all have a thing for Sirius' hair.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they do laundry.

“So,” Remus said, “your family really is quite rich.”  
  
Sirius and Regulus were sitting next to each other, looking at opposite directions.  
  
“I mean,” Remus said, “this is a huge flat.”  
  
“We are rich,” Regulus said finally, looking at Remus over his cup of tea, “but also very –“  
  
“I don’t want to talk about my parents,” Sirius said.  
  
“ _I_ was talking about them,” Regulus said.  
  
“I don’t want him to know,” Sirius said.  
  
“To know what?” Remus asked. The situation seemed stable at least. Regulus had made them tea and Remus had tried to ignore how smug the boy had looked and how Sirius had stared at his little brother like he couldn't believe Regulus had learned how to make tea. After that, they had just been sitting there on the chairs that looked like they were from the nineteenth century.  
  
“You said he’s your boyfriend,” Regulus said.  
  
“ _He_ said he’s my boyfriend.”  
  
“We’re almost royal,” Regulus said, looking at Remus and smiling in a way that was probably supposed to be apologetic. Remus wasn’t sure, because somehow he had trouble concentrating. He thought Regulus had said they were almost…  
  
“Oh, fucking hell,” Sirius said far too loudly, but he also glanced at Remus like he was panicking, “we are _not._ ”  
  
“We would be,” Regulus said and shrugged, “if something like fifty people dropped dead. Mother has a list.”  
  
“We are never going to have the throne,” Sirius said, “and she knows that very well.”  
  
“Of course she knows that,” Regulus said, “the list is just her way of being resentful.”  
  
“So,” Remus said very slowly, “your mother has a… list of people who should die so that… Sirius would become...”  
  
“I’ve been permanently removed from the family,” Sirius said, “so that would actually be Regulus.”  
  
“I wouldn’t do it,” Regulus said, “I’m gay.”  
  
Sirius looked at Remus. “You can’t be gay. _I_ am gay.”  
  
“I know that,” Regulus said, also looking at Remus.  
  
“We can’t both be gay,” Sirius said, “it’s not possible. It’s my thing. I was gay first.”  
  
“I haven’t told mother yet,” Regulus said, “and I think she would have called if the cleaning lady had told her.”  
  
“She will probably arrange a marriage for you.”  
  
“I know,” Regulus said, taking a sip out of his tea as if it was a normal conversation. “But I’ll be out of the country before the wedding.”  
  
“Out of the country?”  
  
“I’m leaving in a few days.”  
  
“Leaving where?”  
  
“I’ll tell you when I get there,” Regulus said and frowned, “if that’s possible.”  
  
“Are you in trouble?”  
  
“Not really,” Regulus said, “though I don’t have any clean clothes. Do you know how to do laundry?”  
  
“Of course not,” Sirius said. “Are you using drugs?”  
  
“ _Oh my God_ ,” Regulus said and looked at Remus with utter disapproval, “that’s so _middle class._ ”  
  
“It kind of is,” Sirius said, sounding relieved. “By the way, Remus knows how to do laundry.”  
  
“You do?”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said, although he probably shouldn’t have, “I’m quite… middle class.”  
  
“Oh,” Regulus said and smiled at him, “don’t worry, it doesn’t matter since you’re so cute.”  
  
“ _What?_ ”  
  
“He’s not _cute,_ ” Sirius said, pushing his elbows against the pile of pizza boxes in a very angry way, “he’s handsome, and stop trying to hit on him, I really like him and you only met him half an hour ago.”  
  
“Of course I’m not hitting on him,” Regulus said, “he’s your boyfriend.”  
  
“Oh,” Sirius said.  
  
“But I’m not _cute_ ,” Remus said and then winced as Sirius and Regulus both cocked an eyebrow at the same time.  
  
“I like your freckles,” Regulus said, “and your mouth, you keep moving it in weird ways.”  
  
“You don’t get to talk about his _mouth_ ,” Sirius said, sounding rather shocked, but this time he actually looked at Regulus. Regulus was still staring at Remus but he froze immediately anyway. Remus grabbed his cup of tea that unfortunately was empty. He could still hear classical music in the background even though he couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.  
  
Regulus turned very slowly to face Sirius.  
  
“I’m sorry I left,” Sirius said and bit his lip.  
  
Regulus nodded.  
  
“Listen,” Remus said, “I know how to do laundry. I can teach you. Do you have a washing machine?”  
  
“I’m not sure,” Regulus said.  
  
_Fucking hell_ , he thought but tried to keep it from showing on his face. “Fine. Let’s go and see.”  
  
  
**  
  
  
_I’ve taken things for granted,_ he thought almost two hours later, as he was sitting on the floor with a pile of clean clothes in front of him. Sirius was watching him with an expression he didn’t want to study further, because it made something squirm inside of him, and Regulus looked exhausted.  
  
“And people really do this,” Regulus said, “like, _all the time_? Every week?”  
  
“Well,” Remus said, “yeah.”  
  
“I can’t understand how that’s possible.”  
  
“Oh, shut up,” Sirius said. “I don’t want Remus to know how stupid our childhood was.”  
  
“It wasn’t stupid,” Regulus said, “it was just weird. You know, I keep trying to talk to people here and eventually I always say something that makes their faces go all funny, and then I try to fix it and they look at me like I’m crazy.”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said, “happens to me too.”  
  
“But Remus doesn’t think you’re crazy,” Regulus said, “Remus likes you.”  
  
Sirius looked rather uneasy, leaning against the sofa that _had_ to be antique. Remus had been almost surprised to find out that Regulus’ clothes seemed to be the most normal thing in the whole place, although the combination of t-shirts with nerdy pictures and t-shirts with slogans about saving the globe was somehow a bit confusing. And now that Remus had got used to the way Regulus looked like Sirius and then again didn’t, he kind of thought Regulus himself looked like a nineteen years old boy who was a bit lost and didn’t know what do with his life, in addition to not knowing many other things.  
  
“I’m a bit jealous,” Regulus said, looking at Remus, “that he found someone who likes him. I kind of… sometimes I think someone likes me, some guy in a party, and I try not to tell them too much about my childhood and then I keep thinking that perhaps they’d kiss me, but then I realise I could never bring them here.”  
  
“You could -,” Remus said and then looked around, “maybe you could… meet them somewhere else.”  
  
“Maybe when I come back,” Regulus said, “if I come back, you two will still be together. And then we can all go to Starbucks.”  
  
“Where’re you going?” Remus asked.  
  
“I can’t tell you.”  
  
“Sirius is worried.”  
  
“Thank you for this,” Regulus said and pointed at the pile of clean clothes, “I thought I would have to buy new ones before leaving and that might have been quite awkward.”  
  
“When are you leaving?”  
  
“I should be in London a day after tomorrow,” Regulus said. “I’m going to take the train which will be weird, but I’ve found out that normal people don’t travel that long distances by taxi.“  
  
“So, you’re going to London.”  
  
“At first,” Regulus said.  
  
“You should come with us,” Remus said and ignored Sirius who was shaking his head, “we’re driving back home anyway.”  
  
“I really shouldn’t,” Regulus said.  
  
“You can sit on the backseat,” Remus said. “We won’t even notice you’re there.”  
  
“We will,” Sirius said.  
  
“You will,” Regulus said.  
  
“Fine,” Remus said, “but I just taught you how to do your laundry. You can’t really say no to me at this point. And now I think it’s almost midnight and I really want to sleep, so do you have a… guest room or something?”  
  
“I have three,” Regulus said, “although one of them is pretty small.”  
  
“Great,” Remus said. “Do you have linen?”  
  
“I don’t really know.”  
  
Remus took a deep breath and then stood up. Sirius was watching him but he tried to ignore it. “Can I look through your closets? To find linen?”  
  
“Yes,” Regulus said slowly. “Do you want me to show you the rooms?”  
  
“We only need one,” he said and then turned away because his cheeks were getting warm, _shit_ , he probably shouldn’t have blushed about that. And then he kept quiet and didn’t look at Sirius who followed him as Regulus took them to three different guest rooms. It turned out that all the beds were already made and two of the three rooms also had their own bathroom.  
  
“But you can’t have sex here,” Regulus said when Remus had picked the smallest room, “because I’ll hear you doing it.”  
  
Remus blinked. “What?”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“We don’t -,” he began and then bit his lip. Sirius was standing right there in the middle of the room, not helping _at all_ , and somehow he wasn’t surprised about that. “Okay. We won’t have sex.”  
  
“Or if you could do it very quietly,” Regulus said, “that would be fine, too. I don’t want to be impolite.”  
  
“You aren’t -,” Remus said and then cleared his throat, “- being impolite.”  
  
“Great,” Regulus said. “Do you need anything else? I don’t know what I have but I could always call someone.”  
  
“I think we’re fine,” Remus said. His own voice sounded quite thin. He knew Sirius was watching him but he couldn’t take it now, and Regulus had to see that both of them were deeply uncomfortable and that Remus was once again blushing and that there was no way they were a couple with all this blushing and awkwardness, but then Regulus just smiled at him and glared at Sirius and said good night and went. Remus turned slowly around. Sirius had his arms crossed on his chest and he was staring at Remus with a slightly panicked look.  
  
“We can’t drive him to London,” Sirius said.  
  
Remus blinked. “Why not?”  
  
“I haven’t really spent this much time with him in six years.”  
  
“So, you’ll get to do it now. Before he leaves.”  
  
“But what if we start fighting?”  
  
“Then you’ll stop the car and you two can get out and fight as long as you want to and I’m going to be reading that book you packed for me.”  
  
“We don’t even know where he’s going,” Sirius said, “I mean, after London.”  
  
“That’s one reason why we’re driving him there,” Remus said, “so that you can figure that out. But try to be nice to him. I think he misses you.”  
  
“You said to him that you’re my boyfriend.”  
  
“It slipped,” he said. “I think he misses you and that’s why he keeps picking up fights with you. That’s also probably why he threw his coffee at you two years ago in Starbucks.”  
  
“It didn’t _slip_ ,” Sirius said, watching him with narrowed eyes.  
  
“He believed it, though.”  
  
“Of course he believed it,” Sirius said and snorted, “he knows me. He knows I’m crazy about you.”  
  
“You aren’t –“  
  
“I just hope you’ll remember what he said last. We can’t have sex in here. It would be terrible if he heard us doing it.”  
  
“Oh my God,” Remus said and took a deep breath, “you know we aren’t going to –“  
  
“Sorry,” Sirius said and grinned slowly, and Remus told himself to calm down, _shit_ , it was far too easy for Sirius to throw him off. “And thank you.”  
  
“You’re welcome.”  
  
“If you want to,” Sirius said and started walking towards the bathroom, “you can caress my hair when we’re in bed.”  
  
He opened his mouth but Sirius had already closed the bathroom door.  
  
  
**  
  
  
“You really like him,” Regulus said to him the next morning when he was sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee. He had slipped out of the bed when Sirius had been still asleep or at least faking it, but if he had been completely honest with himself, he might have had to admit that waking up next to Sirius had been slightly less weird this time.  
  
He pushed his shoulders back. Regulus was wearing a dark blue t-shirt that said _think globally, act locally_ and both the t-shirt and the boy were staring at Remus with a look that seemed quite demanding. “Yeah,” he said and it wasn’t like he was lying. He really liked Sirius.  
  
“I’m glad,” Regulus said. “I know we seem like… like we don’t get along. But I always wanted him to be happy.”  
  
“I know,” he said. “Regulus, you should tell me. Are you in some kind of trouble?”  
  
“Not really,” Regulus said, biting his lip, “I think. I’m more like… trying to do the right thing.”  
  
“I hope you aren’t lying to me.”  
  
“Why the hell would I be lying to you?” Regulus said and smiled.  
  
  
**  
  
  
Twenty past ten they were all standing in the corridor. Regulus had finally managed to get his enormous backpack picked up and Remus was throwing glances at Sirius in a way that he wished was subtle. Sirius looked very tired and also like he didn’t know what to do at all, and then they both just stood there as Regulus stumbled out of the apartment with his backpack that looked like it was meant to have enough stuff for someone to travel across the world.  
  
“So,” Remus said, when Regulus was standing in the corridor, looking rather proud of himself, “your place.”  
  
“I’ll call the cleaning lady from the bus,” Regulus said.  
  
“The _bus?_ ” Sirius asked.  
  
“Don’t worry about it,” Regulus said and kicked the door so that it shut with a loud bang. “Fine. Let’s go.”  
  
The morning was very quiet which probably was good, because Sirius was driving like his thoughts were somewhere else completely. _Probably on the backseat_ , Remus thought and leaned the back of his head into the seat. Regulus had said nothing about the Toyota and actually neither of them had said a word since they had started driving. Sirius was squeezing the wheel more tightly than he probably should have, and when Remus glanced over his shoulder, he saw that Regulus was staring through window looking rather sad.  
  
“But you’re coming back, aren’t you?” he said and they both winced.  
  
“Yes,” Regulus said after a long silence. “I think so.”  
  
“If you just want to get away from them,” Sirius said in a voice that sounded stretched, “you can come to my place. I have this charming old lady living next doors who takes care of the laundry. And you always liked cats.”  
  
“Cats?”  
  
“I look after her cats once in a while. My flat is quite small, I bought it from the money I got from Alphard, remember? But you can take the TV room.”  
  
“Sirius.”  
  
“I think they would let you switch universities,” Sirius said, leaning forward like he had been very focused on watching the road. “I wouldn’t mind. And Remus wouldn’t mind.”  
  
Remus swallowed and turned to look at Regulus, who was hugging his backpack and looking back at him with sharp grey eyes that very much resembled Sirius’. “I really wouldn’t,” he said, “but I don’t think that’s the point.”  
  
“I can’t come,” Regulus said, “I’ve kind of signed up already. And it’s important.”  
  
“Signed up to what?” Sirius asked. His knuckles were going white. “You have to tell me. I’m your brother, it’s my job to fix it.”  
  
“It doesn’t need fixing. It’s a good thing. It really is. I’m trying to do something that actually matters.”  
  
“But you can’t just _leave_ ,” Sirius said, “not now that you have got to know Remus. Remus will miss you.”  
  
“I know,” Regulus said. “I’ll miss him too. But this isn’t about leaving, not really. This is about doing –“  
  
“The right thing,” Sirius said in a voice that sounded quite bitter, “I know, you said that. It’s just that Remus doesn’t have that many friends.”  
  
“But I’ll probably come back,” Regulus said, “in a year or two.”  
  
“ _A year or two?_ ”  
  
“So you won’t even realise that I’m gone,” Regulus said, “I mean, Remus won’t even realise that I’m gone.”  
  
“But you deleted your _Facebook account,_ ” Sirius said, “how the hell will Remus now talk to you?”  
  
“I think he could text me.”  
  
“You’re crap at answering texts.”  
  
“I never understood why you couldn’t call me,” Regulus said, “you had my number and I really needed to hear your voice.”  
  
“No, you didn’t,” Sirius said, “you always sounded so angry.”  
  
“I wasn’t angry because you called me,” Regulus said, “you git, I was angry because you left in the first place.”  
  
“You should have come with me.”  
  
“You didn’t ask.”  
  
“You were _thirteen._ ”  
  
“You shouldn’t have done it so suddenly,” Regulus said. “We could have planned it, together. Andromeda might have helped us, she always was the sane one. Or perhaps uncle Alphard. We could have left together.”  
  
“I didn’t even know you wanted to leave.”  
  
“Nor did I, not after you already had.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“I’m not angry,” Regulus said in a tight voice, “I’m not, and this has nothing to do with it.”  
  
“So,” Sirius said and cleared his throat, “do you have, like, do you have enough socks and all? Should we buy you something?”  
  
“No,” Regulus said, “yes, I have socks. _Sirius._ ”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I need some music. I mean, I don’t know what bands to listen. It seems that everything on the radio these days is just dull.”  
  
“ _Oh_ ,” Sirius said and began talking about bands that Regulus absolutely had to try and then in some point he asked if wherever Regulus was going had Netflix. Remus glanced at Regulus, who gave a quick smile at him and then said _oh, really, and which actors are in, do I know any._ Remus realised he was kind of proud of them both.  
  
  
**  
  
  
They left Regulus on the side of the street in London. Sirius kept saying _I’ll take you to the railway station, I’ll take you anywhere, just fucking tell me already_ , and Regulus insisted that his bus was leaving nearby and he couldn’t let Sirius see it because Sirius would know immediately what it was all about and possibly he would call mother and there was still time for a private detective to catch Regulus. Sirius said very firmly that he would never call their mother and his voice sounded like he was going to cry. Remus pushed his hand deeper into his pockets and wondered if he perhaps should have let their say goodbye in peace, but when he tried to take a step, Sirius grabbed his arm and held it so tightly it kind of hurt.  
  
“So,” Regulus said finally, “I have to go. Thanks for the ride.”  
  
“I hate it that you’re leaving,” Sirius said. His voice trembled only a little.  
  
“Sorry,” Regulus said and bit at his lip. “I’ll call you when I get there.”  
  
“I’m sorry too,” Sirius said.  
  
“I know,” Regulus said. “I’ll turn now and then I’ll start walking.”  
  
“Fine.”  
  
“Fine.”  
  
“And you have to call me.”  
  
“I will,” Regulus said. “It was nice to meet you, Remus.”  
  
“It was nice to meet you too,” Remus said, but Regulus wasn’t really looking at him.  
  
“I’ll go now,” Regulus said.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said and squeezed Remus’ arm.  
  
“In any second.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Well, then,” Regulus said and cleared his throat. “Bye.”  
  
“And you have to tell me when you get back,” Sirius said, “you have to tell me right away.”  
  
“I will,” Regulus said, turned around and started walking.  
  
Remus stood on the pavement next to the green Toyota and watched as Regulus Black took wavering steps with his huge backpack covered in stickers that told a person to _make love, not war_ and _save the globe_ and _think about the whales_. Sirius was still holding his arm but he didn’t want to mention it because he wasn’t sure Sirius realised he was doing it, and also he didn’t want Sirius to stop doing it. An old man and a clever-looking dog passed them by and eyed them carefully, and when they couldn’t see Regulus anymore, Sirius took a deep and a bit shaky breath.  
  
  
**  
  
  
Two hours later they were sitting on edge of the bed in a tiny room in a motel an hour away from London. They had bought some food but apparently neither of them had been thinking about it properly because now it seemed they mostly had chocolate and bananas and barely anything else. Actually it was probably mostly Remus’ fault, because Sirius had been so quiet and he had tried to fix it the best he could, which involved a lot of chocolate. Now he was a bit hungry and Sirius still wasn’t talking and the motel room was even crappier than the one in which they had slept two days ago. Also he kind of missed Regulus.  
  
“Sirius,” he said when they had been sitting there for something like fifteen minutes and Sirius had eaten three bananas.  
  
“Maybe we should watch TV,” Sirius said.  
  
“There’s no TV in here.”  
  
“We could use your phone.”  
  
“Or you could talk to me.”  
  
Sirius shook his head.  
  
“I liked him,” Remus said, “and I think he’s going to be okay. And you did a good thing when you went to see him.”  
  
“I kidnapped you,” Sirius said, frowning at the window covered by yellow curtains that had to be from the eighties, “and I drove you to Scotland to witness me trying to fix my family issues.”  
  
“I would have come anyway,” Remus said, “or actually I wouldn’t have, but I’d have wanted to. Because I like you.”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Yeah. That’s weird. You even taught my brother how to do laundry.”  
  
“I meant that I _really_ like you.  
  
“Can we not talk about this right now?” Sirius said, still not looking at him. “I feel like I should listen to Adele and cry my eyes out because my brother whom I hadn’t seen in two years has left. So, if you keep talking about how you like me but you can’t be gay, I’ll cry at that too and it’s just a bit too much. My face will get all red.”  
  
“But I really am.”  
  
“What?” Sirius asked and glanced at him. He realised he was squeezing a bar of chocolate in his hands and it was melting. He set the chocolate aside and swallowed a few times, and Sirius was watching him with narrowed eyes and mouth half-open.  
  
“I think you were right,” he said.  
  
“About what?” Sirius asked in a rather dry voice.  
  
Remus raised his right hand which was the one that didn’t have chocolate on it. Sirius stared at him as he placed his palm onto Sirius’ chest. He thought he could feel Sirius’ heartbeat through the cotton, and Sirius opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, and Remus waited, and nothing happened. He breathed in and out and realised Sirius’ was staring at his mouth now, and then he leaned forward and kissed Sirius.  
  
Sirius grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away. “What’re you doing?”  
  
“I’m –,” he began, but his palm was still on Sirius chest and he was shaking quite a bit.  
  
“I’m fucking crying here,” Sirius said, “so if you’re just being nice to me –“  
  
“I’m not,” he said, “I only tried to… I only wanted to…”  
  
“I want you to kiss me,” Sirius said, squeezing his shoulders, “I want you to kiss me so much, I think you’re actually breaking my heart when you keep saying that we can’t, I mean I have this very tight feeling in my chest –“  
  
“You should breathe,” Remus said. Sirius took a sharp breath and Remus could feel it under his palm, and he realised hazily that it was possible Sirius was pulling him back closer and that Sirius actually looked like he was going to cry.  
  
“Please,” Sirius said, and Remus could feel Sirius’ fingers on the back of his neck, and it was weird and brilliant and he thought about how he would take his shirt off and Sirius’ fingers would slide down following his backbone and he would probably shiver and possibly he would also make embarrassing noises but he thought they were beyond that now, and then Sirius licked his lower lip and said, “please please _please_ –“  
  
He kissed Sirius again.  
  
“This is crazy,” Sirius said against his mouth, “this is actually mad, I don’t think I’ve ever liked anyone as much as I like you, and I was kind of thinking that after we get home I’d be just sitting in my bedroom for _weeks_ and I’d only listen to sad songs and weep terribly and James would have to bring me food and Minerva would probably bring her cats to cheer me up and anyway I’d be so miserable because you wouldn’t love me and I’ve only known you for like four days –“  
  
“Please stop talking,” he said and pushed his fingers into Sirius’ hair.  
  
“You have a thing for my hair,” Sirius said, and Remus kissed the corner of his mouth and his lower lip and then his whole mouth when he for a second stopped talking, and _oh God_ Sirius was _licking_ Remus’ _lips_ now and it was so _weird_ but in a good way and he wanted to pull Sirius closer but both of his hands were in Sirius’ hair and he had absolutely no intention to draw them away. “A thing for my hair,” Sirius hummed, “a thing for my hair –“  
  
“Shut up,” he said and Sirius laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go! Coming soon! I hope!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they get home.

“Remus?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Are you awake?”  
  
“No,” he said and opened his eyes. Sirius was staring at him with only one eye open and it made Sirius look like he was permanently winking at Remus. The room was still dark so it couldn’t be morning yet, but Remus’ heart was beating too fast and it didn’t slow down even after he focused his gaze on somewhere else than Sirius’ eyes. “What’s the time?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Sirius said, “I didn’t want to move. I was watching you.”  
  
“Fuck.”  
  
“Stop that. You know I like your face. I thought you were asleep but then your breathing got busier.”  
  
“It’s still dark.”  
  
“Wait a second,” Sirius said and leaned to grab his phone on the bedside table. “It’s barely six o’clock.”  
  
“We can’t wake up yet.”  
  
“Come here.”  
  
“What?” he asked in a voice that was still hoarse from the morning and a bit tight from how he thought he could smell Sirius’ skin, they were so close, and his heart was drumming heavily against his ribs, and Sirius licked his lower lip and kept staring at him and Sirius’ mouth looked…  
  
“Just do it,” Sirius said quite softly.  
  
“I’m crap at this,” Remus said but shifted closer, “I don’t know what to do, and I’m also kind of terrified, and when I think about telling mum I feel like I can’t almost breathe, and I –“  
  
“You don’t need to think about that now,” Sirius said and placed his hand lightly on Remus’ shoulder. Remus swallowed. Their knees were pressing against each other and he felt like he couldn’t stay here, not for a second, but also he couldn’t move. “You kissed me last night.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“It was brilliant.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said and closed his eyes. Sirius’ fingers were running on his neck and he had trouble breathing.  
  
“And you kept kissing me,” Sirius said. “You didn’t panic.”  
  
“I did.”  
  
“Okay. Fine. You can panic. As long as you don’t push me away.”  
  
“You’d fell onto the floor.”  
  
“I didn’t mean it literally.”  
  
“Can I -,” he said and paused, “I want to –“  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“You don’t know what I’m asking.”  
  
“You just probably want to touch my hair,” Sirius said.  
  
“Kind of.”  
  
“Well,” Sirius said and pressed a flat palm in between of Remus’ shoulder blades, “go ahead then.”  
  
“I’m not going to kiss you until I get to brush my teeth, though.”  
  
“It’s not morning yet. We could just sleep.”  
  
“With my fingers in your hair,” he said and inched closer to Sirius.  
  
“I wouldn’t be surprised.”  
  
“I can’t sleep if you’re watching me,” he said and tangled his fingers into Sirius’ hair. His right arm was kind of stuck in between of their bodies but it was also brushed against Sirius’ stomach so he didn’t really mind. And Sirius had his palm on Remus’ lower back now and in some point of it their legs had tangled or possibly Remus had pushed his knee in between of Sirius’ thighs and Sirius’ toes were touching his leg and they were cold but he absolutely wasn’t going to ask Sirius to remove them. And also he hadn’t realised how it would feel to have all that skin pressed against you. He hadn’t known. He had probably had a vague idea but he couldn’t have imagined _this._ He pushed his nose onto Sirius neck and Sirius sighed and he could _feel_ it and also he could smell the chocolate and sweat on Sirius’ skin and he really hoped there wasn’t a melted chocolate bar somewhere between the linen.  
  
“I’m not going to watch you,” Sirius said, “because I’m also sleeping.”  
  
“But you really aren’t.”  
  
“But I am.” Sirius said and shifted so that Remus’ head was now resting on his arm. “Remus. I’m happy.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said.  
  
“You’re happy too.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“It’s fine if you’re panicking a little.”  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
“I know you’re panicking but we’re going to fix this. We’re going to find a way. And you don’t have to tell your mum, not before you are –“  
  
“You have to realise,” Remus said, “that if I cry now, you’ll get snot on your neck.”  
  
“There’s no reason to cry,” Sirius said quite hastily. “Just sleep.”  
  
“But we’re going to get home tomorrow,” he said, “shit, _today_ , and then we have to –“  
  
“I think we’re just going to have to keep driving circles.”   
  
“We have school.”  
  
“You’re a very negative person,” Sirius said, “certainly you know that.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“But I like you. I like you so much that I can’t stop talking.”  
  
“How lucky for me,” he said and it was possible he actually meant it. And then Sirius stopped talking and drew lazy circles on his lower back instead and he wondered whether he should ask Sirius to stop because he was definitely not going to fall asleep with Sirius’ fingers touching him like that. But he couldn’t make himself say it.  
  
After a while Sirius’ hand stilled and then dropped lower so that it was now resting on Remus’ _ass_ and he thought _oh my God_ but also Sirius was now breathing quite steadily so it seemed there was a chance Sirius had actually fallen asleep. Remus tried to forget about the hand on his ass but then Sirius shifted closer in his sleep and Remus’ palm got more tightly pressed against Sirius’ stomach and he breathed in and out and tried not to run his finger on the path of hoarse hair that was going down _down down,_ and he shouldn’t think about that, not now and possibly not ever because he really didn’t know if he could tell his mum about this, it seemed impossible, it was bad enough that _he_ knew he couldn’t do what mum wished him to, he couldn’t say it aloud, absolutely not, and he took sharp breaths against Sirius’ neck and tried to think about anything else. And then Sirius’ hand got back onto his lower back and stayed there, steady and warm, and Sirius said something that could have been _don’t worry_ , only Remus couldn’t quite catch it because it was mumbled into his hair and anyway Sirius certainly was asleep.  
  
_Don’t worry_ , he thought and inhaled the smell on Sirius’ skin.  
  
_Don’t worry_ , he thought and Sirius’ toes slowly got warmer, and he run his fingers very slowly through Sirius’ hair and wasn’t certain whether he was fully awake anymore.  
  
  
**  
  
  
Next time he woke up it was because Sirius was running his fingers on his arm. He blinked and Sirius looked at him like not being sure if he ought to pretend he hadn’t been doing what he had been doing. Remus breathed in and Sirius slowly placed his palm on his shoulder.  
  
“How long have you been doing that?”  
  
“Not long,” Sirius said, “five minutes maybe. I was afraid you’d wake up.”  
  
“It’s tickling.”  
  
“I thought so. I also brushed my teeth.”  
  
“You brushed your teeth,” Remus said and swallowed.  
  
“Yeah. I sneaked into the bathroom so very efficiently that you didn’t hear a thing. And then I did it. I brushed my teeth.”  
  
“But it only works if,” Remus said and paused, “if I do it too.”  
  
“So you _are_ going to kiss me.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I’ve been wondering,” Sirius said, “how it’s going to be in the morning. It seemed that there was a good chance you’d go back to… back to not kissing me.”  
  
“Sirius.”  
  
“You might have,” Sirius said, “you very well might have. And I don’t yet completely believe that you haven’t.”  
  
“I -,” he began and then froze. Sirius slowly drew his fingers away and clenched his fists on the sheets, and Remus took a few breaths that didn’t taste too good.  
  
“You what?” Sirius asked when it was becoming clear that Remus couldn’t find out what he had been trying to say. The sunlight was lingering on Sirius’ face and Remus thought about how he had never woken up with someone he had kissed last night, _never,_ and his skin felt weirdly ticklish where Sirius had touched it.  
  
“I’m going to brush my teeth.”  
  
“Really?” Sirius asked with wide eyes.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes,” he said although he really wasn’t. He stood up and walked straight to the bathroom and then felt Sirius’ gaze in his neck. _I’m going to do this_ , he thought, _probably_ , although he actually had done it already last night. He had kissed Sirius. And Sirius had kissed him. And he had a faint feeling that he was going to be so nervous and so in trouble with the whole thing and he didn’t know what Sirius wanted and he didn’t know what he could do and he had absolutely no idea how to be anyone’s boyfriend and he didn’t want to tell his mother. He finished brushing his teeth and turned around and Sirius was right there, leaning into the doorway frame.  
  
“You mean it,” Sirius said.  
  
“I’m really nervous,” he said and set the toothbrush slowly aside. “Come here.”  
  
“You don’t get to be bossy,” Sirius said, “I won’t take it, no matter how much you kiss me.”  
  
“Stop talking,” he said and Sirius licked his lower lip.  
  
“Are you going to kiss me or what?”  
  
“Yeah,” he said, “maybe. Probably.”  
  
“Come on,” Sirius said. “I’m right here.”  
  
“You’re in a hurry.”  
  
“What would you expect, I’ve been sitting in the same car with you for three days.”  
  
“I thought you liked it.”  
  
Sirius laughed out in a tone that weirdly resembled barking. “Fine. Yes. I did. But now that you’ve brushed your teeth and we’ve talked it over, can you please stop talking and come over here and finally kiss me?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“ _Please._ ”  
  
Remus took a few steps. Sirius might have been slightly taller than him, he wasn’t certain. He stopped in front of Sirius’ face and looked him in the grey eyes that were moving on his own face and kept lowering onto his mouth, and he swallowed and then again and placed his hands onto Sirius neck.  
  
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he said.  
  
“I don’t care,” Sirius said and leaned in to kiss him.  
  
  
**  
  
  
All afternoon Remus had a vague feeling that they were constantly driving weirdly slowly. When they stopped to eat a late lunch in a small diner along the road, Sirius kept eating his chips one by one and once in a while sighed deeply and spent five minutes or so talking about what Remus thought gravity would be like in other dimensions.  
  
“I’m not going anywhere,” Remus said finally.  
  
Sirius threw a sharp glance at him but kept science fiction out of the conversation at least. “I don’t know that.”  
  
“Yes, you do.”  
  
“I really don’t. But we can change topics if you don’t like gravity.”  
  
“Fine,” he said. “What’s the deal here?”  
  
“What?” Sirius asked and grabbed a chip that looked like it had been on the plate for hours.  
  
“You and me.”  
  
“I think it’s up to you.”  
  
“So,” Remus said and pressed his palms onto his knees under the table, “you would… date me.”  
  
“I told my brother that you’re my boyfriend,” Sirius said with a voice that had a nervous edge.  
  
“ _I_ told your brother that I’m your boyfriend.”  
  
“To be honest,” Sirius said although his voice suggested he really didn’t want to, “I’d probably take anything. I drove you to Scotland and back even after you made me sleep on your carpet. In the living room.”  
  
“Sorry about that.”  
  
“It’s fine. But I mean, I think it’s your choice. But don’t tell me we’re going to be friends because that’s not going to work out.”  
  
“Obviously not,” he said. “How many hours we’ve got until we’re home?”  
  
Sirius watched somewhere over his shoulder. “Maybe two.”  
  
“How many hours if we drive at normal speed?”  
  
“An hour,” Sirius said and then grimaced, “or possibly half an hour.”  
  
“I want to come to your place.”  
  
Sirius blinked. “You do?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Certainly you’ve figured out that I’m not very good at cleaning.”  
  
“Are you going to let me come or not?”  
  
Sirius stared at him and then nodded.  
  
“Fine,” he said. “And are you going to eat your food?”  
  
“I don’t think so,” Sirius said in a thin voice, “it got cold.”  
  
“I have to buy chocolate,” Remus said and stood up. “And possibly a few beers.”  
  
“Why?” Sirius asked in a somewhat sharp voice but followed him anyway. “Are you nervous?”  
  
“Of course I’m nervous.”  
  
“But it doesn’t sound good that you have to drink because you’re nervous about coming over.”  
  
“I just need something to go with the chocolate.”  
  
“You are very weird,” Sirius said. They were now in the parking lot. The green Toyota was waiting for them. “So, one last Tesco then.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said and sat into the passenger seat.  
  
  
**  
  
  
“You think that we’re going to have sex. That’s why you’re nervous.”  
  
“Shut up,” he said and leaned the back of his head into the seat.  
  
“That’s your second chocolate bar,” Sirius said and glanced at him. “ _So._ ”  
  
“What,” he said but his voice winced a little.  
  
“You don’t really have to eat all that chocolate. We can just agree that we’re going to stick with kissing as long as we like. And I haven’t done any of that stuff either so there’s no reason to –“  
  
“ _Sirius._ ”  
  
“I only said that I’ve never had sex either, so –“  
  
“I kind of,” Remus said and swallowed, “have.”  
  
Sirius glanced at him and then stared back at the road, frowning. He thought it was possibly the time to open the beer. His hands were trembling slightly but he managed quite well anyway.  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
“I said,” he said, “ _I have._ ”  
  
“You have what?”  
  
“Done some of… that stuff.”  
  
Sirius kept blinking. The beer was a bit warm and not very good compared to chocolate. “But you refused to believe that you like –“  
  
“Yeah,” he said. “I know.”  
  
“You kept telling me that you aren’t going to kiss me because you don’t like guys.”  
  
“I used to have this one friend at school. He called it _fooling around._ ”  
  
“Called what?”  
  
“You want to know the details?”  
  
“No,” Sirius said, “yes, of course not, I only mean that… I thought you hadn’t done any of it. And now it turns out that you know more of it than I do.”  
  
“I only jerked him off a couple of times.”  
  
“You –“  
  
“ _Sirius._ ”  
  
“Do you have any chocolate left?”  
  
“Barely.”  
  
“Can I?”  
  
He passed Sirius the chocolate. “You aren’t disappointed, are you?”  
  
Sirius shook his head. “No, I… I’m nervous. I thought neither of us was going to know what to do when we would… well. And now it turns out that you actually -”  
  
“ _Sirius_ ,” Remus said, “listen. Obviously I had a crush on the guy but also I knew I wasn’t supposed to and I tried so much not to. And he kept saying that it wasn’t a big deal. I tried to believe him. And then we just didn’t do it anymore and I couldn’t ask him about it because I didn’t have an idea what to say. Or probably I just couldn’t talk about it because then I’d ended up saying that I had actually liked it and that I was gay and all that. I also tried not to think about it.”  
  
“So you are –“  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
“But you said it.”  
  
“I thought we were talking about my sexual experiences.”  
  
“It sounds so grand when you say it like that,” Sirius said. “I think I might need a beer when we get there. Are you still coming over?”  
  
“Yeah,” he said. “If you like.”  
  
“Can we like,” Sirius said and took a deep breath, “watch TV or something?”  
  
“Sounds good,” he said and turned to look through the window. I felt somehow unreal that in twenty minutes or so they’d be back home. He had no idea what would happen then, only that he would go Sirius’ place and then he would try to make it work. He wouldn’t bail this time, he _couldn’t_ , because Sirius was probably the weirdest and the best person he was going to meet in the next ten years and he wasn’t going to give that up only because he was awfully scared. Perhaps Sirius would now keep quiet until they were there and Remus could concentrate on thinking about being optimistic.  
  
“I can’t believe you’re more experienced in sex than I am,” Sirius said.  
  
Remus closed his eyes. “I only –“  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said. The car was definitely slowing down but Remus just couldn’t deal with both of the situations right now. “ _Yeah._ I heard you. You only, excuse me, jerked someone off a couple of times. I can’t believe that I’ve done _nothing_ like that and I’ve been gay for almost ten years.”  
  
“I don’t think you’re supposed to count it like –“  
  
“Well, for almost ten years I’ve told people that I’m gay. And you’ve never told anyone, have you? I had to drive you to Scotland to make you say it. And still somehow you’ve managed to –“  
  
“It’s not a very nice memory, you know,” Remus said, “because afterwards I kind of had my heart broken and also hated myself for having my heart broken.”  
  
“That’s terribly sad,” Sirius said and then drew a deep breath, “it really is. I’m sorry. But now your heart is obviously fixed because you like me and you _have_ me, I’m right here, and, you know, very nervous about having sex with you because you already know what to do.”  
  
“I don’t know what to do,” Remus said louder than he had meant to. He glanced at Sirius, but Sirius was looking straight ahead and driving once again so slowly that someone could have get pass them by bicycle. Remus said firmly to himself that from now on they would use public transportation. If only they ever got back home first. “I _don’t._ I just shoved my hand into a guy’s pants on a few occasions.”  
  
“Don’t say it like that,” Sirius said, “that’s not romantic at all.”  
  
“It wasn’t romantic,” Remus said, “he thought it was a fucking joke and I thought I was going to be miserable for all my life because obviously I liked it. I liked him. So, stop obsessing about me having all that experience and just drive.”  
  
“But we could do it. And it would be… romantic. Because now you know I’m not going to let you be miserable.”  
  
Remus blinked. “We could what?”  
  
“I could,” Sirius said and glanced at him, “jerk you off.”  
  
“ _Now?_ ”  
  
“Not now, you idiot, we’re on a motor way. I can’t pull over here. Perhaps when we get to a smaller road –“  
  
“ _Home_ ,” Remus said, “when we get _home._ ”  
  
“Really? We’re going to –“  
  
_Oh my God_ , he thought but well, he was getting used to it. “I thought you wanted to take it slow.”  
  
“Of course,” Sirius said, “if you want to. But I’ve been with you for four days. And for the most of the time you’ve refused to kiss me. I’ve had time to imagine things.”  
  
Remus opened his second beer. His heart was beating loudly but fuck that. They were almost there anyway. “What things?”  
  
Sirius didn’t answer right away which was a bit suspicious. Remus turned to look at the boy, and Sirius glanced at him and kept blushing.  
  
“You’re blushing,” he said.  
  
“You aren’t supposed to tell someone they’re blushing,” Sirius said in a tight voice, “that’s not polite and it only makes it worse anyway.”  
  
“Sorry,” he said. “So, you were telling me that all this time that we’ve been together you’ve been having fantasies about me.”  
  
“I didn’t say that,” Sirius said. “Also I kind of masturbated in the bathroom when we were at Regulus’ place.”  
  
“You kind of –“  
  
“You told him you were my boyfriend,” Sirius said, “it was very distracting, and then we were supposed to sleep in the same bed.”  
  
“I’m not surprised that you -,” Remus said and then paused. “I mean, I’m a little surprised you decided to tell me about that.”  
  
“Remus,” Sirius said, “what do you think about sex?”  
  
Remus took a deep breath. “What the –“  
  
“We’re there soon,” Sirius said, “you said you’re coming to my place, you kind of implied you’re going to date me or something like that and also you’re drinking beer because you’re nervous as hell about coming over. _So._ Don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about that.”  
  
“I –“  
  
“And you can take this as a theoretical question. We can just watch TV for weeks if you want to, or for months, I’m very good at that and I have Netflix. But since we’re already talking about it and you’re a bit tipsy –“  
  
“I’m not –“  
  
“Yes, you are. So, let’s suppose that you would be lying on your bed thinking about… someone, we don’t have to specify who that is, but anyway if you were thinking about… having sex with that certain someone, what would you be thinking of?”  
  
“Is this a trick question or something?”  
  
“Of course not,” Sirius said and glanced at him almost angrily. “We’re just having a conversation about this. Like adults.”  
  
Remus had a vague idea that _adults_ probably had better ways to talk about...whatever it was that they were talking about. “Could you clarify a little?”  
  
“Will you answer?”  
  
He swallowed. “Yes.”  
  
“Do you think you’d want to sleep with… someone?” Sirius said. “And when I say sleep, I don’t mean exactly hand jobs but rather –“  
  
“I got that,” he said quickly. “Probably. I mean, probably I would. But not today.”  
  
“And are you going to -,” Sirius paused. “Do you think you want to be on top or –“  
  
“I don’t fucking know,” Remus said and tried to breathe but it was impossible, and how the hell had he managed to cope with the conversation this far? “I think we’ll have to figure that out.”  
  
“ _We,_ ” Sirius said, staring at him, and he stared back until finally Sirius turned his gaze back to the road, “you said _we._ ”  
  
“Well _obviously_ I think I’d do it with… don’t you want to?”  
  
“I do,” Sirius said quickly, “I think I do. But that whole business seems like something that you don’t really know if you want to try or not unless you have a chance. But anyway when I… think about it, I’m usually bottoming.”  
  
_Shit._ Remus had absolutely no idea how Sirius was able to keep the car on the road.  
  
“But I’m quite certain I would like to,” Sirius said and frowned, and Remus held his breath, “to try to… get you off. With my mouth.”  
  
Remus opened his mouth because, well, he probably should say something now. Anything.  
  
“Don’t you want me to?” Sirius asked in a concerned voice.  
  
“Fucking hell,” he managed to say and then took a sharp breath, “I don’t know how you do that, you’re the one driving and I’m the one who’s drinking beer and still you manage to say things like… things like…”  
  
“Getting you off with my mouth,” Sirius said. Now he sounded a bit smug which probably was a good thing. They were going to get through this. Also they were almost at home now. “I didn’t know you like it when I talk dirty.”  
  
“I’m not sure if that counts as dirty,” Remus said in a thin voice but there was absolutely nothing to do about that. “But yes. Of course I do. I only… I think you’re giving me a heart attack.”  
  
“No,” Sirius said, watching him, “it’s just that your heart is beating for me. Hang on there. We’re almost at my place. And then we’re going to –“  
  
Remus felt his cheeks warm and then he realised Sirius was smiling and very much not going to finish that sentence. “You did that on purpose. You made me think about –“  
  
“You made me blush earlier,” Sirius said. “We should probably eat something before we begin watching TV. Is it okay if we order pizza?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I think I’m not going to get out of the flat for at least three days,” Sirius said, “I’m exhausted about all this travelling.”  
  
“It kind of was your idea, though.”  
  
Sirius glanced at him but didn’t say a word, which he considered a small miracle. He closed his eyes, breathed in, ate the rest of the chocolate, and tried to calm his heart that clearly was beyond calming.  
  
  
**  
  
  
He didn’t know what he had expected but he was slightly surprised and also very much relieved that Sirius’ flat was a bit less… _everything_ than Regulus’ had been. Sirius walked straight in and then turned around and looked at him, and he stared back and closed the door behind him. It gave out a loud click and he swallowed a few times but well, it was too late to turn around now. It probably had been since he had first grabbed Sirius’ coat and kissed him something like five days ago.  
  
“Do you think we can watch TV and eat in the same time,” Sirius said, “or do we have to fully concentrate on eating?”  
  
“Sirius,” Remus said but it somehow got caught in his throat and he had to cough a couple of times. Sirius was still staring at him in the middle of what seemed to be a very messy living room.  
  
“What?” Sirius asked finally. He sounded almost as nervous as Remus felt.  
  
“Are you really hungry?” he said, and his knees were trembling and he couldn’t stop them, but fuck that, he had been sitting in the same car with Sirius Black for four insufferably long days now. “Because if you aren’t, maybe we could do something else first.”  
  
“What else,” Sirius said, biting at his lower lip.  
  
“I don’t know,” Remus said and Sirius raised his eyebrows, “well, I do, but I don’t want to… rush into…”  
  
Sirius blinked. “Well, I’m quite hungry. But I have a feeling that if we were to… if we did… that might not take very long.”  
  
“You think?”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said and slowly took his coat off. “And I’m not _that_ hungry. About food.”  
  
“Good,” Remus said and swallowed. “ _So._ Maybe if I kissed you –“  
  
Sirius nodded.  
  
“I have to take my shoes off first,” Remus said.  
  
Sirius nodded again. Remus took off his shoes. There was a weird background noise in the flat but also it might have been that his ears had begun ringing. He straightened his back and then walked to Sirius, and Sirius kept staring at him and didn’t inch when he took a firm grip on Sirius’ t-shirt.  
  
“What’re you going to do?” Sirius asked.  
  
“I don’t really know.”  
  
“You should kiss me,” Sirius said. “For real this time.”  
  
“For –“  
  
“You’re probably going to kiss me, and then if you won’t stop there, I think I’d be up to…”  
  
He waited but Sirius closed his mouth, and _shit_ he was staring at Sirius’ mouth, but also it was kind of the whole point, he had a good grip on Sirius’ shirt and this time he wasn’t going to panic and run, and they had pizza and Netflix and everything was pretty much alright.  
  
“You’re up to what,” he managed to say even if his voice shook a little.  
  
“I could get you off,” Sirius said, barely more than a breath out, “like I said.”  
  
“That’s not going to take much time,” he said and Sirius gave out a nervous laugh and then opened his mouth again, but before Sirius could say anything, Remus leaned in and kissed him. His ears kept ringing. His knees kept trembling. His heart kept running. He was kissing Sirius Black and he wasn’t going to stop this time, no matter what, no matter how insanely frightening it would be to be in fucking _love_ with someone who was actually _there_ and who was very much _kissing him back_ and _oh shit_ pulling him closer like that was even possible, but it was, and he had trouble breathing and trouble thinking and he was going to have to stop worrying about that in some point and just… just…  
  
Also he realised he might have pushed Sirius against the wall and that he had his knee in between of Sirius’ thighs and Sirius was watching him through half-closed eyelids with mouth ajar and hair messed up and fingers on Remus’ neck. Remus kissed him and thought about how they probably weren’t supposed to do it like this, not standing in the living room with all their clothes still on, but he had kind of been thinking about this for the last half an hour at least and Sirius was _right there_ and his left hand was pulling Sirius’ shirt off and sliding on his back, and actually he had some trouble with his zipper, it was pressing against absolutely wrong spots, he had to get rid of his jeans, but when he lowered his hand Sirius grabbed it.  
  
“I’ll do it,” Sirius said and kissed him.  
  
_Fine,_ he tried to say but his mouth was busy.  
  
“I said I would -,” Sirius said, kissed his neck and unzipped his jeans, “I was going to –“  
  
_Yeah_ , he thought, _yes yes yes,_ but he probably should have told Sirius to hurry a little, only he had to concentrate on breathing, because Sirius was now pushing his jeans down his thighs and then had a palm on his -  
  
“Remus,” Sirius said, staring at him with open mouth, “ _Remus_ , this is so… I don’t know what… I’ve never…”  
  
He leaned in to kiss Sirius and then pulled his own pants down to his knees and reached for Sirius’ zipper, but Sirius grabbed both of his wrists and then kept them still as he knelt down onto the floor, and _fucking hell_ certainly Sirius wasn’t going to… he wasn’t really going to…  
  
And then the doorbell rang.  
  
Sirius glanced upwards at Remus and let go of his wrists. “Who the hell is that?”  
  
“How would I -,” Remus said and took a shaky breath, “how the hell would I know? This is… your flat.”  
  
“But no one ever comes around,” Sirius said.  
  
Remus leaned his palms into the wall and looked at Sirius who sat down onto the floor, still staring back at him.  
  
“What do we do?” Sirius asked.  
  
The doorbell rang again.  
  
“I think you should get that,” Remus said.  
  
“No, I shouldn’t.”  
  
“Yes, you should.”  
  
“But you aren’t really… clothed.”  
  
_Shit._ “Where’s your bedroom?”  
  
Sirius raised his eyebrows. “You’ll wait for me there?”  
  
“Stop that,” he said and tried to keep his thoughts together, but it was very difficult as Sirius was still watching him and he was quite certain that Sirius had been going to… “I think I’ll find it myself. Just get that door. And try not to look like that.”  
  
“Like what?” Sirius said grinning.  
  
Remus rolled his eyes and went. The first room he found was a bathroom and the second only had a huge TV in it but behind the third door he found a room with a large bed and a lot of books so that probably was the one. He sat down onto Sirius’ bed and heard Sirius unlock the door.  
  
“So you are here now,” someone said in a loud and very demanding voice, “why haven’t you answered my texts for four days?”  
  
“I was –,” Sirius said.  
  
“Don’t you tell me where you were,” the other guy said, “you git, you should have _told_ me, even Minerva didn’t know where you had gone, and I was trying to… why is your hair like that?”  
  
“Like what?”  
  
“Like someone has messed it up.”  
  
“James,” Sirius said, and Remus took a deep breath and pulled his pants and jeans back on, “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your texts. I was trying to –“  
  
“Trying to do what exactly,” the guy who apparently was James said, “and don’t tell me, I don’t want to know, but what the hell were you doing?”  
  
“I was going to tell –“  
  
“You _never_ leave the town without telling me,” James said, “like, literally you send me a text every time you leave your _flat_ , and now you were quiet for _days_ –“  
  
Remus opened the door and then walked through the living room. It felt like a mistake right away but also James didn’t sound like he would give up anytime soon and there was a good chance that if Remus wanted to come out in the next two hours or so it would be wise to do it now when he had only been hiding in the bedroom for a few minutes.  
  
“Hi,” he said. James dropped whatever sentence he had been in the middle of and stared at him. He tried to smile at the guy but it didn’t go very well and also he was still a bit short of breath.  
  
“And who the hell are you?” James said and turned to look at Sirius. “Explain.”  
  
Sirius opened his mouth. “This is –“  
  
“And what’re you doing here?” James said, turning back to Remus. “Have you been with him for the whole time? Why doesn’t he answer his texts? I was genuinely worried about him. And who are you?”  
  
“Remus,” Sirius said, “he’s Remus. He’s my friend.”  
  
“You don’t have friends,” James said, frowning. “I don’t get it.”  
  
“I’m his boyfriend,” Remus said.  
  
“What?” James said.  
  
“What?” Sirius said, staring at him with wide eyes.  
  
“Yeah,” he said and attempted another smile at James. “I suppose you’re James.”  
  
“Yes,” James said very slowly. “Are you really –“  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“ _Really?_ ” Sirius asked.  
  
“Yes,” he said and took a deep breath. “If you want me.”  
  
“Of course I –“  
  
“So,” James said, throwing sharp glances at them both, “your hair. Your hair is like that because he just had fingers in it.”  
  
Sirius raised his eyebrows at Remus. James looked rather shocked.  
  
“You have a boyfriend,” James said in a thin voice.  
  
“I have a boyfriend,” Sirius said sounding quite happy.  
  
“He has a boyfriend,” Remus said. This was a very weird conversation but he had a feeling that it was coming to an end.  
  
“I can’t believe it,” James said.  
  
“Me neither,” Sirius said.  
  
“I’m quite hungry,” Remus said, “so if you two could leave the rest of that conversation for some other time, maybe we could –“  
  
“I think I’ll just go,” James said, “I suppose you guys were… a bit busy.”  
  
“Yes,” Sirius said very pointedly, “we were.”  
  
“Well, then,” James said, “I’m happy for you. And… be safe. And…”  
  
“Just go already,” Sirius said. “I’ll text you later.”  
  
“But no details,” James said, glancing at Remus. “He seems nice, though.”  
  
“He is,” Sirius said.  
  
“I’m also right here,” Remus said.  
  
“So,” James said and swallowed, “I’ll leave you to it. Whatever it was that you were doing.”  
  
“We were –“  
  
“Don’t tell me,” James said. “I’ll tell Lily that you’re alive and well.”  
  
“Good,” Sirius said.  
  
“Good,” James said and opened the front door. “Text me later. But no pictures.”  
  
When the door was finally shut, Remus breathed in. Sirius turned slowly to look at him. “You can’t just keep telling people that you’re my boyfriend.”  
  
“Why not,” Remus said. He was very tired and very hungry and he had just spent four whole days with Sirius Black which, he thought, would have exhausted anyone.  
  
“Unless you mean it,” Sirius said and watched him with narrowed eyes.  
  
“Of course I mean it,” he said. “Now can we please eat something?”  
  
  
**  
  
  
After two hours of Star Trek, half an hour of kissing, one quite clumsy blow job, one chocolate bar and eight hours of sleep, Remus felt considerably better. Also he was smiling stupidly as he brushed his teeth in Sirius’ bathroom. They had a very weird breakfast because Sirius had absolutely nothing sensible in his fridge and neither of them wanted to leave the flat. They kissed on the sofa for a few minutes and then Remus tried to get to the class about the universe being huge and mysterious but he soon found out that he couldn’t do it. They watched a few more episodes of Star Trek and Sirius kept pulling him closer which was uncomfortable because he already was too warm but also he didn’t want to say that aloud.  
  
In the afternoon he realised he had got two texts from his mum. He picked up the phone and stared it for the while, but the texts didn’t go away and also Sirius had his palm on Remus’ knee and Remus was quite certain that wouldn’t go away either. He stood up and walked to the bedroom and then to the kitchen and then back to the bedroom. His hands were getting sweaty very fast and he thought he might drop the phone but unfortunately he didn’t.  
  
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  
  
“Hi, mum,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand there's also a small epilogue, posted as Chapter 6.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mrs. Black has a somewhat crappy day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the epilogue! Remember to read chapter 5 as well :)

EPILOGUE  
  
  
  
“Mrs. Black –“  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“We have received an information about your younger son.”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“He had a… letter delivered to us. Directly. Would you like me to –“  
  
“Just read it already.”  
  
“He politely asks us to inform you that he’s going to go to the Arctic to –“  
  
“What the hell did you say?”  
  
“The Arctic, madam. He politely says he has joined Greenpeace. He asks that you consider what kind of impacts your chosen life style has on the climate. Also he wants to point out that the climate change is a huge global problem and that the glacier in the Arctic contains a lot of methane that definitely must not leak into the atmosphere or – and this is a straight quote –we are all doomed.”  
  
“This is absolutely –“  
  
“Also he wants to add that he is gay.”  
  
“What is your name, boy?”  
  
“Mr. Thompson, madam. I’m only reading out what his letter says.”  
  
“Mr. Thompson, you are fired.”  
  
“I thought so,” Mr. Thompson said. “Now, I also have new information about your older son.”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“He is also gay. And he has a new boyfriend. Very nice-looking guy if I might add. They are having a Star Trek marathon as we speak.”  
  
“Oh for –“  
  
“I think he’s happy, madam.”  
  
“I don’t –“  
  
“It was nice working for you, madam. Have a nice day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and commenting, your kudos and comments have made my day! :) Hope you like the ending, and you can of course find me on [tumblr](http://toyhto.tumblr.com).


End file.
